French Sex

Ok, so my recent condom post illustrated to me that, if I want to increase the readership of my blog, all I need to do is follow the Margaret Cho business model and talk as bluntly and as often as possible about sex. So, here is my most recent attempt to please the shallow masses (that's my affectionate term for you, my readers).

A while back, I spent two years living in Belgium and France, during which time I studied French both under a private tutor (no, not like that, she was old....ew) and at the Université de Mons-Hainaut. Since this education was rather formal, I discovered--after my time in Europe--that I had been deprived of learning some of the more "colorful" French terminology.

It has been rather chic (if I may show off my nifty French-speaking skills for a moment) in America of late to rip on the French. But there are several things that the French do well, particularly sexually. Of course, we all know and appreciate French kissing, and perhaps some of you less-conservative types get turned on by French lace. One of the first things on my list of French sex advantages would be that they have Karim Nadir, one of the most beautiful porn stars ever (see picture above and Jean Daniel Cadinot's Nomades, in which Nadir appears in most of the scenes).

But additionally, as I alluded to earlier, the French have an amazingly large array of terms that they use to refer to sexual activities. Having been rather conservative myself while I was living in Europe, I did not have much opportunity to use these terms, so I cannot vouch for which ones are used commonly or which ones would be taken as cheesy pick-up lines. So, use at your own risk. But, in the interest of advancing cross-cultural sexual liasons, here is a quick primer in la terminologie sexuelle francaise. My apologies in advance to any fluent French speaker, as I am certain there are numerous errors in my typing or grammar below:

• NECESSARY EQUIPMENT:
• Balcon - Literal translation is "balcony", but it is used also as a term for a female breast.
• Y'a du monde au balcon, literally translated "There are people on the balcony," is a colloquial expression for "She has large breasts."
• Doudounes, Nénés, Nichons, Roberts, Sein- More words for breasts
  
• Bloblos - Large, fat, drooping boobs
  
• Biroute, Bistouquette, Bitte, Braquemart, Chinois, Cigare, Pénis, Pine, Popaul, Quéquette, Queue, Service Trois Pièces, Sexe, Verge, Veuve, La Veuve et les deux Orphenlines, Vit, Zizi, Zob- Penis (do you think the French have a certain preoccupation with this anatomical part?)
  
• A couple notes....Chinois is the normal word for a person of Chinese ethnicity but is used in crass French slang for penis because the opening at the head of a penis is more like a slit than a hole (giving rise to the rather-rude slang phrase se polir le Chinois, meaning to masturbate, literally, "to polish the Chinaman").
• Cigare is the normal word for [yes, you guessed it], "cigar" (thus the slang fumer le cigare, meaning to give a blowjob, literally "to smoke the cigar")
• The term Veuve is the normal word for "widow" but sexually refers to a dick that has not seen any real action for so long that it has been reduced to wanking.
  
• Chauve à col roulé - Yet another term for "penis," but this one deserves special mention. It is specifically referring to an uncircumcised penis (as is common in France), and it is literally translated as "the bald one with a turtleneck."
  
• Chatte - Normal translation is the basic French word for "cat"; slang sexual use is very similar to how English speakers might use a form of the word "cat" in a sexual sense (for you gay guys who have never seen one, it's a term for vagina).
• Cramouille, Con, Cresson, Moule, Noune, Vulve - More terms for female genitalia, varying in appropriateness or vulgarity
  
• Couilles, Testicule - Balls
• Orpheline - Common term for "orphan," but also sexual slang for "testicles"
• Sometimes a guy's balls will be referred to as les deux orphelines, or "the two orphans."
  
• Cul, Oignon - Ass
• Some translations just don't make sense to the non-native speaker. I have no idea why, but oignon can be translated as either "ass" or "onion."
  
• THE PLAYERS:
• Boudin - Another word that is translated as two English words with no apparent connection. It can be translated either as "a slim woman" or as "blood sausage."
• Vache - Normal word translated "cow"; can also mean "a large-breasted woman"
  
• Cocotte, Demi-mondaine, femme publique, fille de joie, gourgandine, grue, morue, péripatéticienne, poule, professionnelle, prostituée, putain, pute - Prostitute; Whore
  
• Courtisane - Prostitute for rich people (as in Moulin Rouge)
• Maquereau - Pimp
  
• Folle - Effeminate gay man ("queen", used with grande folle, meaning "drag queen")
• Poilu - A stud; A real hunk (in gay-specific terminology, probably a hairy, moustached guy who attends IML)
  
• Homosexuel, gay, enculé, lope, pédale, pédé, serin, tante, tapette, trick - Gay man (pédé is likely the most common term)
• Pousse-crotte - Gay man; very blunt term, though as far as I can tell not considered particularly offensive; literally means "a push-shit"
  
• Homosexuelle, brouteuse (lit.-"a nibbler"), gouine, lesbienne, litter, gomorrhéene, tribade - Lesbian
• Ménage à trois - French phrase commonly used in English meaning "threesome"
  
• PREPARATION:
• Allumé - Slang term for "drunk"
• Faire la drague - Cruising (used only for gay men)
• Un champ de tir - Literally means "shooting gallery"; used to describe the bedroom of an "active" person
  
• FOREPLAY:
• Bécoter; Embrasser - To kiss (common noun form for "kiss" would be bisou)
  
• Bander - Common use: "to draw a bow taut to let the arrow fly"; Sexual use: "to have a hard-on"
  
• One of those idioms that just doesn't translate into English but is kinda funny is Je bande comme un tigre or "I have a hard-on like a tiger."
• And, of course, there is the helpful antonym debander meaning "to go limp," commonly used in conjunction with Y'a du monde au balcon (at least in my world...if you don't remember that phrase, it's mentioned in the very first definition of this list).
• Avoir la tringle - Another phrase meaning "to have a boner"
  
• Pipe, Turlute - blowjob
• Of similar etymology to pipe is faire pipi, meaning "to pee."
  
• Fumer le cigare - To give a blowjob (lit. - to smoke the cigar)
• Sucer - To suck
  
• Gode (or Godemichet) - Dildo
• Mouiller - Normal word meaning "to get wet"; sexually refers to pre-cum
  
• THE ACT ITSELF:
• Accouplement, Coït, Copulation, Tringler - Sexual intercourse (the more "formal" terms)
  
• Ça va ça-vient - One of my favorites, meaning sexual intercourse, but literally, "it goes, it comes"
• Niquer - Common verb equivalent in force and in use to the English "to fuck"
• Ramoner - To fuck (literally, "to sweep the chimney")
  
• Enculer - To perform anal sex
• This term is incorporated into the phrase, Va t'faire enculer chez les Grecs!, meaning, "Go get fucked up the ass by the Greeks!" As I am sure my Greek expert friend James could tell you, the ancient Greeks had a great appreciation for gay sex.
• Jouir - Normal French verb meaning "to rejoice"; In sexual slang - "to cum" (how romantic)
  
• Foutre - Gay slang word for shooting your cum on someone:
• Example 1 - "Donne-moi ton foutre!" (translated, "Cum on me!" )
  
• Example 2 - "Je veux lecher ton foutre!" (translated, "I want to swallow your cum!")
• Example 3 - "Merde! Tu as tire ton foutre sur mon oreiller!" (translated, "Shit! You shot your load on my pillow!")
  
• EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES:
• Auto-Gratification - Masturbation
• In addition to being the inspiration for this blog, the term was used by French religious leaders who felt the term "masturbation," which is the same in French and English, was too crass.
• Masturbation, Branlage (lit. - to shake), se Branler (lit. - to brandish one's sword), Branlette (lit. - a wank), se polir le Chinois (lit. - to polish the Chinaman), se palucher (lit. - to give oneself a handjob... paluche being a French word for "hand") - All terms for jerking off
  
• HELPFUL PHRASES:
• When you have had a few too many drinks and are bold enough to make a fool of yourself but not sober enough to come up with anything witty to say to the cute guy at the bar: "T'es trop sexy. On se connaît?" (translated, "You are really sexy. Do we know each other?")
• When you are the cute guy at the bar: "Tu t'es pas regardé!" (meaning, "Take a good look at yourself!")
• Alternatively, you could use "Va voir ailleurs si j'y suis!" (essentially, this means "Get the hell out of here"; literally, it means "Go somewhere else--see if I'm there!")
• Confirming with your poilu before he gets to your place: "N'oublie pas tes menottes" (translated, "Don't forget your handcuffs").
  
• When you wake up after sex and your partner has taken the whole blanket leaving you naked and exposed: "Putain, je me caille!" (translated, "Shit, I'm cold!")
• Sitting with your best friend at Caribou on Sunday afternoon describing the guy from the night before: "On s'est mis à poil..." (essentially, "We got naked"; literally, "We wore only our body hair") "...et nous avons niqué" (translated, "...and we fucked").
• And, if it was really good, you might say "Je me suis envoyé en l'air" (translated, "I went to heaven").
  
• During a fight with your lover who is causing drama again because you "take him for granted": "Que tu es emmerdant!" (translated, "You really piss me off!")
• Letting him down as easy as possible: "Soyons amis" (translated, "Let's just be friends").
  
• When you realize a couple days later that your trick gave you more than just a good time: "Fils de pute!" (translated, "Son of a bitch!")
• When you are drunk dialing all your ex-boyfriends: "Va te faire foutre!" (translated, "Fuck off!")
• When you really want to be offensive to a French person: "Nique ta mère!" (essentially, "Fuck you"; literally, "Fuck your mother")
• When you pull out and something doesn't smell quite right: "Qui a pète?" (translated, "Who farted?")
• An interesting idiomatic French phrase uses the same verb (péter, "to fart"): péter plus haut que son cul, which is literally translated as "to fart higher than one's asshole," but idiomatically means "to have an inflated opinion of oneself."
• Suddenly I'm glad my parents didn't name me Peter; seems languages just have it out for that name.
  

My gratitude goes to the following two excellent resources, from which I drew most of the information for this post:

• Orbis Latinus The Uncensored French Language
• Berlitz Hide This French Book