Day 5 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND WHO IS DEALING WITH THE SUICIDE OF A LOVED ONE

Death is awkward. There's no way around it. When someone loses a loved one, no matter what the circumstances, there are inevitably awkward social moments that will come. How do you say something meaningful when the person knows his or her loved one will never return? How do you encapsulate into a sentence or two the sympathy and comfort you want to give to the person and how badly you wish you could make things better for those who are hurting?

Suicide, though, is doubly or triply awkward. Not only do those who are grieving experience the sorrow that comes with death, but piled on top of that is anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror, and trauma that goes beyond the "normal" death.

Medical professionals estimate that around 80% of deaths have at least one or two weeks' warning. But suicide almost always is completely without warning. Natural deaths are generally peaceful, a person quietly slipping away. But suicide is almost always violent and harsh. In death by disease or from other medical reasons, rational explanations can be found. In a car accident, fate or another driver can be blamed. In a murder, there is someone to be angry at. But toward whom or toward what can the suicide survivor turn his negative emotions? He or she will be angry at the very person who has died. This will lead to guilt for being angry or for not noticing the signs in time. That will lead to anger at self or deep sorrow and confusion.

For those who love the person who has experienced this deep loss, there is the added difficulty of this social "stigma" (real or imagined) that surrounds suicide. So again, hoping that nobody who reads this will ever have the horror of suicide visited upon you personally, I still recognize that many of you will be touched in some way by suicide through those you have friendship with. As a suicide survivor, allow me to offer some suggestions that, I hope, will stick in your head and someday help someone to offer real help and comfort to a friend in need:

1. You don't have to say anything! If you are with someone who is grieving and do not know the words to say, don't force it! Don't feel any obligation to speak. You may very well accomplish exactly the opposite of what you intend by saying something stupid. I realize that sitting there in silence may feel very awkward to you, but I will say without hesitation that some of those who were the greatest help to me in those early days were my friends and family who simply sat next to me, put their arm around me or on my shoulder, and let me cry in silence. Your presence next to that person says the one thing that is most needed in those moments, and says it more eloquently than you ever could in words. It says, "I love you, and you are not alone!" Allow yourself to feel awkward in silence, because I guarantee it is not awkward for the person grieving; your presence there physically infuses something that that person has great need of....hope.

2. Allow the bereaved to say anything....or nothing. At various points in the process, I wanted to scream at someone. Who that "someone" was changed from moment to moment. I wanted to yell at God for not keeping it from happening. I wanted to yell at Alfred for not calling me for help. I wanted to yell at anyone and everyone who had ever failed Alfred, including myself. I wanted to say things that were absolutely crazy. And I was blessed to have friends and family who would allow me to say these things without judgment or advice or correction. If the person who is grieving says something hurtful or incorrect or just plain stupid, don't use it as an opportunity to show off your counseling skills. A simple statement such as this will be much more helpful: "[Person's name], I love you. I know you are hurting beyond what I could ever understand. And I'm here for you anytime you need me, for as long as you need me. And I truly believe you are going to get through this." The person probably knows that what they are saying is irrational (and is likely feeling guilty about it), so unconditional acceptance and love in those moments is powerful.

3. Keep your phone on. A person who has lost someone to suicide will very likely find that their sleep has been stolen from them. They will wake up in the middle of the night (if they were lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place) and the loneliness and sorrow will sometimes be overwhelming. Especially in the first few weeks, it is essential that the person has someone to call anytime, day or night. They may feel awkward or say they won't do it, but a couple times I was awake in the middle of the night and actually called a friend who graciously sat and talked to me as long as I needed. Physical darkness can enhance the darkness someone feels inside; having someone to talk them through the night can help a grief-stricken survivor get through until the sunrise reminds them there is still hope.

4. Do things that show you are thinking rather than just reacting. When there is a death, social custom causes the bereaved to be drowned in flowers, calls of sympathy, and letters in the mail. These things are essential and appreciated. However, from personal experience, I will say that all of those things are a blur to me. I probably could not tell you who specifically sent a card or flowers or called me in the days immediately after Alfred's death. What I do remember is the friend who stopped by with "Ensure" meal replacement drinks because, at the wake, he could tell I was not eating well. He told me that, even if I had no appetite for a meal, I should drink one of those to keep my strength up and to get the nutrition I needed. I remember the friend who knew that Alfred and I would attend church together, so that friend offered to go with me the first Sunday I would have gone without Alfred, to make sure I wasn't alone. Yet another friend put together a CD for me of music specifically chosen for lyrics that offered hope without claiming to have all the answers. Things like that require creativity and thought, but they will never be forgotten.

5. Remember the difficult dates. From the day of the suicide until the wake, funeral, and burial are complete (i.e. - the first week or two), the survivor will be surrounded by well-wishers. However, that crowd quickly dissipates after the "official" social processes have been completed, leaving the griever often alone long before the pain has gone away. One way you can remind that person that she is not alone is by remembering the tough dates. The "month-markers" are the first that come to mind in a suicide. Personally, I always think of Alfred's suicide on the 13th of any month. Seven months out, it is not an overwhelmingly-painful reminder. However, the first 6 months are rough to get through (perhaps longer for some), and a call or a note on those month marks will do more than you can imagine to communicate to the person that you truly care. Other dates that are difficult include the deceased person's birthday, any special days they shared (for example, if it's a partner or spouse that has passed away, their anniversary or first date), and special holidays, particularly Christmas. The greater the joy previously associated with a date, the greater potential for sorrow now. (Note: Computer programs can be great helps in remembering these dates. I use Microsoft Outlook for my appointments, and I can set up a reminder for just about anything, including those days I need to remember to call a friend. Set up those reminders on the month-mark days in your appointment program or book; it's a simple thing that speaks volumes.)

There are many other things, but keeping in mind these 5 will set you miles apart from many who will be kind but not really infuse hope to a person who probably feels like there is no reason even to look to the future. Realizing you don't have to fix everything, you can be the "first responder" who helps your friend get through the most critical time in those days following the worst day of his or her life.

**Final note: I won't be so arrogant as to assume anyone would find these thoughts particularly profound; however, if you think they can be helpful to you or anyone else, please do not hesitate to distribute this post freely.