A Gay Man's Introduction to the World Cup

Throughout this month of June, people all over the globe will proudly wave colorful flags, some men will wear makeup on their faces while others will publicly remove their shirts and exchange them with one another, spontaneous parades will erupt, and politicians will make public appearances to show their support for a key constituency. No, I'm not talking about Pride Month. Rather, from June 9 to July 9, the most-watched athletic event in the world is being held in Germany--the World Cup Soccer Finals (surpassing even the Olympics in television viewers).

Now, if the traffic in the comments section of my previous two soccer-related posts is any indication, there is not a great deal of interest in the World Cup among the gay community. But I get excited if I get a comment or two on just about any post, so that's not a good thermometer. So, I browsed through Alan's Adventure's list of Chicago Gay Bloggers to see if anyone has posted anything about the World Cup Tournament. And, unless you count a video clip whose purpose is just to see a soccer player's penis (admittedly entertaining, I'm not knocking it), I found only one post that referenced the World Cup in the entire Gay Blogger list (kudos to Chicagosexbox...those are some hot pictures!). Consequently, I think it is a safe determination that gay interest in the World Cup Tournament is about on par with their interest in a Donald Rumsfeld press conference.

Perhaps it is that I feel ostracized by my fellow sports-ignoring gay compatriots for this single act of treason I commit against the gay-sports-hater-code. Perhaps I am used to reveling in the company of friends who, along with me, mask our jealousy of straight guys' athletic abilities by feigning disinterest in anything sports-related while secretly going online to find shirtless pics of Freddie Ljungberg (yes, he's a soccer player, not just a Calvin Klein model). Perhaps I find comfort and familiarity in knowing that any discussion we have about wood, balls, and scoring has nothing to do with getting hot and sweaty on an athletic field.....ok, well, perhaps sometimes it does, let me rephrase....I find comfort knowing that our discussions are not related to a group of men divided into sections of those who are at the top of the field, those who are in the middle with versatile roles, and those back at the bottom of the field....um, wait, that analogy doesn't work either....never mind....

Whatever the reason for this compulsion I feel, I have decided it is time for the gay world to recognize that we should offer an exemption to the World Cup Tournament in our otherwise iron-clad anti-sports rule book. (Keep in mind of course that, when I mention that rule book, I am functioning within a literary realm in which stereotype is reality, for it appears the rumors are true that some gay men have forsaken their shallow yet imbedded birthright of sports hatred to actually participate in sports!) So, for your information, enlightenment, entertainment, and arousal, I give to you my labor of love, A Gay Man's Introduction to the World Cup Tournament.

This presentation is divided into three sections: (1) Justification, (2) Overview, and (3) Predictions.

JUSTIFICATION

On what basis do I, a committed defender of gay prejudice against organized athletics, believe I am justified in promoting the World Cup Tournament and participating in watching its events? At the risk of overwhelming you with my impenetrable logic, allow me to share several reasons that quickly come to mind:

• The Miss World Cup Pageant - What other major sporting event has the foresight to hold a beauty pageant in coordination with its tournament? Can you imagine a Miss NBA Finals? I don't think so. This year's pageant was won by the lovely Miss Togo, and there are rumors afoot of a World Cup's Next Top Model (or WCNTM) TV show in the works in time for World Cup 2010.
• The After-Match Shirt Exchange - In international play, it is traditional at the end of a game for players to remove their shirts and exchange jerseys with their counterparts on the opposing team, followed by sex in the shower room. Well, perhaps that last part is just a fantasy of mine, but the shirt removal causes the game to be at least on par with the credits at the end of a Pixar movie. Sure, you may not actually be interested in the credits themselves, but you will sit through the credits because you know there's something worth waiting for when they are over.
• David Beckham, Lukas Podolski, Milan Baros, David James (drool), Christiano Ronaldo, Luis Figo, Javier Saviola, and so many others.....

OVERVIEW

The qualifying rounds of the World Cup tournament are complex, lengthy, sometimes political, and often confusing to follow. Ultimately, however, 32 teams from around the world make it to the final tournament, which is what is going on this month. The structure of the tournament itself is also confusing, as the 32 teams are initially divided into 8 groups of 4 teams. The top eight teams in the November 2005 FIFA World Rankings are each are assigned to different groups, while the remaining teams are assigned by random draw. Hang on.....don't fade away here, am I losing your interest? Quick, look at this picture!....ok, all better? Let's continue....However, no group can have more than 2 European teams or more than one team of any other confederation. Each team plays a game against each of the other teams in their group, earning 3 points for a win, 1 point for a draw, and 0 points for a loss. The top 2 teams in each group advance to the knockout stage, where each of those 16 teams advances to the next round only by winning each game, until the ultimate champion is declared.

That whole process takes a full month to complete, with the championship game being played in Berlin on July 9. This means that there will be plenty of down-time for athletes and fans, but fortunately Germany has taken the initiative to make sure they will have plenty to keep them busy along the way.

PREDICTIONS

As I type this, we are a week into the tournament. As expected, Germany and England are doing well, as is Brazil, though Brazil has only played one game thus far. All 3 teams are excellent, but I have to predict that England will win the tournament, simply because they have both David Beckham and David James, so they have a slight edge since they will be able to distract any gay players on their opponent's teams (David James, by the way, has been very active in HIV/AIDS-related causes and has even established The David James Foundation which works to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS in countries in Sub-Saharan Africa). I would love to see Portugal advance far so that we can see as much of Ronaldo as possible (and I do mean that in every sense of the phrase), and thus far they are holding their own with a 1-0 win over Angola.

Upcoming games to watch:

• Tomorrow, Friday, June 15: Argentina vs. Serbia/Montenegro - Battle of the hot forwards. Argentina's Javier Saviola and Serbia/Montenegro's Mateja Kezman are two of the most beautiful men in the World Cup tournament. Argentina is the heavy favorite to win the game, but with Kezman's looks, Argentina may wish to forfeit simply out of respect.
• Saturday, June 16: USA vs. Italy - Much talk has circulated as to the reasons for the US team's humiliating 3-o opening game loss to the Czech Republic (a country with a population nearly 30 times less than the US). But for all the reasons given, little attention has been paid to the subtly-important "hotness factor" in soccer. And sadly, the US team this tournament is really about as exciting as Janet Jackson's exposed breast was arousing. Add to that the fact that the Czech Republic has Milan Baros, and I could have told you it would be a blowout before the game ever started. After all the hype about this being the US team's "breakout year" where they were going to surprise everyone, their opening game letdown was something like when you meet that hot guy from online in person for the first time only to find out that his pictures were taken about 8 years and 40 pounds ago. You might still end up as friends, but the magic is gone. So, for Saturday's match, I am already scared about a repeat defeat, but when you factor in that Italy has the duo of Alessandro Del Piero and Gianluca Zambrotta, Saturday afternoon might better be spent watching joggers at Belmont Harbor.
• Saturday, June 16: Portugal vs. Iran - Can you imagine being a gay guy on Iran's soccer team on Saturday? You're forced to watch Ronaldo wearing those shorts and getting all hot and sweaty and knowing he will inevitably remove his shirt at the end of the game; however, you also know that if anyone catches you staring, you'll probably be beheaded when you get back to Iran. Although if Ronaldo approached me in the locker room after a game, I'd probably be willing to risk decapitation.
• Wednesday, June 20: England vs. Sweden - In their final group stage game, England looks to advance undefeated into the knockout stage. There is a rumor that the chief voodoo priest of the country of Togo (whose team is making their first-ever World Cup finals appearance) has predicted that, if England wins the World Cup, David Beckham and David James will get it on at center field. Of course, that same priest also predicted that 32nd-seed Togo would defeat 6th-seed France on June 23 and advance to the knockout stage, which probably has about the same chance of happening.
  

So there you have it. Yes, it's true, there are other reasons that I enjoy watching soccer besides those I have listed here (banal things like a love of the game itself and enjoyment of analyzing strategy....silly things like that). But I figured that I would just take baby steps in this introduction. Trying to take that which is already known and comfortable and build a bridge of familiarity to that which is not. I feel that, if I have expanded even one guy's collection of shirtless athletes, I have made a worthwhile contribution.

**Addendum - While I was working on this post, I noticed a new, awesome post on Alan's Adventure that references the World Cup. Worth looking at.