A Gay Man's Introduction to the World Cup

Throughout this month of June, people all over the globe will proudly wave colorful flags, some men will wear makeup on their faces while others will publicly remove their shirts and exchange them with one another, spontaneous parades will erupt, and politicians will make public appearances to show their support for a key constituency. No, I'm not talking about Pride Month. Rather, from June 9 to July 9, the most-watched athletic event in the world is being held in Germany--the World Cup Soccer Finals (surpassing even the Olympics in television viewers).

Now, if the traffic in the comments section of my previous two soccer-related posts is any indication, there is not a great deal of interest in the World Cup among the gay community. But I get excited if I get a comment or two on just about any post, so that's not a good thermometer. So, I browsed through Alan's Adventure's list of Chicago Gay Bloggers to see if anyone has posted anything about the World Cup Tournament. And, unless you count a video clip whose purpose is just to see a soccer player's penis (admittedly entertaining, I'm not knocking it), I found only one post that referenced the World Cup in the entire Gay Blogger list (kudos to Chicagosexbox...those are some hot pictures!). Consequently, I think it is a safe determination that gay interest in the World Cup Tournament is about on par with their interest in a Donald Rumsfeld press conference.

Perhaps it is that I feel ostracized by my fellow sports-ignoring gay compatriots for this single act of treason I commit against the gay-sports-hater-code. Perhaps I am used to reveling in the company of friends who, along with me, mask our jealousy of straight guys' athletic abilities by feigning disinterest in anything sports-related while secretly going online to find shirtless pics of Freddie Ljungberg (yes, he's a soccer player, not just a Calvin Klein model). Perhaps I find comfort and familiarity in knowing that any discussion we have about wood, balls, and scoring has nothing to do with getting hot and sweaty on an athletic field.....ok, well, perhaps sometimes it does, let me rephrase....I find comfort knowing that our discussions are not related to a group of men divided into sections of those who are at the top of the field, those who are in the middle with versatile roles, and those back at the bottom of the field....um, wait, that analogy doesn't work either....never mind....

Whatever the reason for this compulsion I feel, I have decided it is time for the gay world to recognize that we should offer an exemption to the World Cup Tournament in our otherwise iron-clad anti-sports rule book. (Keep in mind of course that, when I mention that rule book, I am functioning within a literary realm in which stereotype is reality, for it appears the rumors are true that some gay men have forsaken their shallow yet imbedded birthright of sports hatred to actually participate in sports!) So, for your information, enlightenment, entertainment, and arousal, I give to you my labor of love, A Gay Man's Introduction to the World Cup Tournament.

This presentation is divided into three sections: (1) Justification, (2) Overview, and (3) Predictions.

JUSTIFICATION

On what basis do I, a committed defender of gay prejudice against organized athletics, believe I am justified in promoting the World Cup Tournament and participating in watching its events? At the risk of overwhelming you with my impenetrable logic, allow me to share several reasons that quickly come to mind:

• The Miss World Cup Pageant - What other major sporting event has the foresight to hold a beauty pageant in coordination with its tournament? Can you imagine a Miss NBA Finals? I don't think so. This year's pageant was won by the lovely Miss Togo, and there are rumors afoot of a World Cup's Next Top Model (or WCNTM) TV show in the works in time for World Cup 2010.
• The After-Match Shirt Exchange - In international play, it is traditional at the end of a game for players to remove their shirts and exchange jerseys with their counterparts on the opposing team, followed by sex in the shower room. Well, perhaps that last part is just a fantasy of mine, but the shirt removal causes the game to be at least on par with the credits at the end of a Pixar movie. Sure, you may not actually be interested in the credits themselves, but you will sit through the credits because you know there's something worth waiting for when they are over.
• David Beckham, Lukas Podolski, Milan Baros, David James (drool), Christiano Ronaldo, Luis Figo, Javier Saviola, and so many others.....

OVERVIEW

The qualifying rounds of the World Cup tournament are complex, lengthy, sometimes political, and often confusing to follow. Ultimately, however, 32 teams from around the world make it to the final tournament, which is what is going on this month. The structure of the tournament itself is also confusing, as the 32 teams are initially divided into 8 groups of 4 teams. The top eight teams in the November 2005 FIFA World Rankings are each are assigned to different groups, while the remaining teams are assigned by random draw. Hang on.....don't fade away here, am I losing your interest? Quick, look at this picture!....ok, all better? Let's continue....However, no group can have more than 2 European teams or more than one team of any other confederation. Each team plays a game against each of the other teams in their group, earning 3 points for a win, 1 point for a draw, and 0 points for a loss. The top 2 teams in each group advance to the knockout stage, where each of those 16 teams advances to the next round only by winning each game, until the ultimate champion is declared.

That whole process takes a full month to complete, with the championship game being played in Berlin on July 9. This means that there will be plenty of down-time for athletes and fans, but fortunately Germany has taken the initiative to make sure they will have plenty to keep them busy along the way.

PREDICTIONS

As I type this, we are a week into the tournament. As expected, Germany and England are doing well, as is Brazil, though Brazil has only played one game thus far. All 3 teams are excellent, but I have to predict that England will win the tournament, simply because they have both David Beckham and David James, so they have a slight edge since they will be able to distract any gay players on their opponent's teams (David James, by the way, has been very active in HIV/AIDS-related causes and has even established The David James Foundation which works to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS in countries in Sub-Saharan Africa). I would love to see Portugal advance far so that we can see as much of Ronaldo as possible (and I do mean that in every sense of the phrase), and thus far they are holding their own with a 1-0 win over Angola.

Upcoming games to watch:

• Tomorrow, Friday, June 15: Argentina vs. Serbia/Montenegro - Battle of the hot forwards. Argentina's Javier Saviola and Serbia/Montenegro's Mateja Kezman are two of the most beautiful men in the World Cup tournament. Argentina is the heavy favorite to win the game, but with Kezman's looks, Argentina may wish to forfeit simply out of respect.
• Saturday, June 16: USA vs. Italy - Much talk has circulated as to the reasons for the US team's humiliating 3-o opening game loss to the Czech Republic (a country with a population nearly 30 times less than the US). But for all the reasons given, little attention has been paid to the subtly-important "hotness factor" in soccer. And sadly, the US team this tournament is really about as exciting as Janet Jackson's exposed breast was arousing. Add to that the fact that the Czech Republic has Milan Baros, and I could have told you it would be a blowout before the game ever started. After all the hype about this being the US team's "breakout year" where they were going to surprise everyone, their opening game letdown was something like when you meet that hot guy from online in person for the first time only to find out that his pictures were taken about 8 years and 40 pounds ago. You might still end up as friends, but the magic is gone. So, for Saturday's match, I am already scared about a repeat defeat, but when you factor in that Italy has the duo of Alessandro Del Piero and Gianluca Zambrotta, Saturday afternoon might better be spent watching joggers at Belmont Harbor.
• Saturday, June 16: Portugal vs. Iran - Can you imagine being a gay guy on Iran's soccer team on Saturday? You're forced to watch Ronaldo wearing those shorts and getting all hot and sweaty and knowing he will inevitably remove his shirt at the end of the game; however, you also know that if anyone catches you staring, you'll probably be beheaded when you get back to Iran. Although if Ronaldo approached me in the locker room after a game, I'd probably be willing to risk decapitation.
• Wednesday, June 20: England vs. Sweden - In their final group stage game, England looks to advance undefeated into the knockout stage. There is a rumor that the chief voodoo priest of the country of Togo (whose team is making their first-ever World Cup finals appearance) has predicted that, if England wins the World Cup, David Beckham and David James will get it on at center field. Of course, that same priest also predicted that 32nd-seed Togo would defeat 6th-seed France on June 23 and advance to the knockout stage, which probably has about the same chance of happening.
  

So there you have it. Yes, it's true, there are other reasons that I enjoy watching soccer besides those I have listed here (banal things like a love of the game itself and enjoyment of analyzing strategy....silly things like that). But I figured that I would just take baby steps in this introduction. Trying to take that which is already known and comfortable and build a bridge of familiarity to that which is not. I feel that, if I have expanded even one guy's collection of shirtless athletes, I have made a worthwhile contribution.

**Addendum - While I was working on this post, I noticed a new, awesome post on Alan's Adventure that references the World Cup. Worth looking at.

Taylor Hicks Used to be a Hottie!

A friend of mine sent me this (younger) picture of American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. I'm not much of a Taylor Hicks fan, but I sure would have been more supportive if he still looked like that!

Better-Looking Togo Can't Quite Hold Lead Against South Korea

After the US team got spanked yesterday by the Czech Republic in the most embarrassing fashion (US Population: 298.2 million, Czech Republic population: 10.2 million, World Cup game score yesterday: Czech Republic 3-0 USA), I at least had the hope that my Togo team would hold their own against South Korea, especially since South Korea has been so disappointing in developing a good-looking squad. And I was not disappointed with Togo, even though the final score was not in my favor.

Togo is in a very strong group with 1998 World Cup champions France, Switzerland, and today's opponent, surprise 2002 World Cup semifinalists South Korea. So Togo, in their first-ever World Cup tournament game, was not expected to be much of a factor. But then, in the 31st minute of the game this morning (8 a.m. Chicago time), Togo forward Mohamed Kader scored a beautiful goal giving Togo an unexpected lead over South Korea, a lead they held through the remainder of the first half of play.

Unfortunately, in the second half, Togo's captain Jean-Paul Abalo received a second yellow card (and thus ejection from the game) after a tackle in the box, leaving the Togolese one man down. But worse, the South Koreans got a free kick which they successfully placed in the goal, tying the game. Then, with about 18 minutes left in the game, South Korea's Ahn Jung-Hwan scored, earning a 2-1 edge that held to the end.

Now, with the subsequent draw in the game that ended scoreless between France and Switzerland a short time ago, Togo actually still has a shot at advancing out of the group round if they could pull of a surprise upset against either of those teams. Unlikely, perhaps; possible, absolutely. Either way, they are a fun team to watch, and games like today's (along with the pictures at the end of the games when the players remove their shirts to trade jerseys with their opponents) are why I, who am as uninterested in most sports as anyone you will meet, love watching World Cup soccer.

World Cup Begins (with Togo!)

In nearly every circumstance, I fit one gay stereotype perfectly, and that is I have no knowledge of sports. I did not watch a single game of the White Sox in the World Series. I could not tell you how the Bulls or Bears did last season. And the only reason I have the Cubs schedule in my calendar is so that I know when to avoid driving on Addison Street.

But there is one sport that I enjoy watching quite a bit, and it is soccer (a.k.a "football" to the rest of the world), the runaway most-popular sport on the planet, though you would not know that from US press coverage. My interest in soccer goes back to high school when, although I had no athletic ability whatsoever, I still needed to find an excuse to spend more time in the men's locker room, so I volunteered to be the statistician for my high school soccer team. I did that for three years in high school and then two years in college as well. Since I had to stay near the coach during the game to keep him apprised of various records, my coaches (college in particular) would often talk to me and teach me about the strategy of the game, giving me an understanding of soccer that I have of no other sport.

Then, while I lived in Europe for two years, I was immersed in a sports culture unlike anything in America. Europeans live, breathe, and die by soccer. The number and complexity of teams and organizations and tournaments is frankly hard to get a handle on, but any European worth his salt can recite the rosters, records, and standings of his team. I learned very early on to cheer for our local Belgium team Anderlecht. I also grew to cheer for Real Madrid and Arsenal and to despise Manchester United and everything it stands for.....though I have had a few people tell me I resemble David Beckham (I don't see it, he's way hotter than me), which used to bother me since he played for United but it's ok now since he moved to Real Madrid.

Africa is just as enthusiastic as Europe, if not more so. When I lived in Togo, there was an all-night party in the streets after Togo defeated heavily-favored Ghana in a qualifying match for the 1998 World Cup. Few people there have televisions, so those that did brought them out or set them in windows, and I would see hundreds of people crowding around this tiny TV watching the game as if it were a matter of life-and-death. When, this year, Togo qualified for the World Cup finals for the first time ever, the president declared a national holiday.

So, the World Cup 2006 tournament begins tomorrow in Germany, and Togo is there! They won 4-0 in their final warm-up game Tuesday, and they are excited to face South Korea in their first tournament game next Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. local time (8:00 a.m. Chicago time, shows on ESPN2, wanna join me to watch?). In the lists I have read of potential upsets for the tournament, one of the often-mentioned games to watch is Togo vs. South Korea. If underdog Togo wins, you will be able to hear Africa shouting from here.

I have been amused today at how many people have been talking about Togo. Articles in The San Francisco Chronicle (I e-mailed the author and he wrote me back a nice response), The Tampa Tribune, and elsewhere talk about the joy of this tiny African nation at their team's participation in the tournament. As someone who loves Togo, it's a lot of fun to see.

Well, I'm not a soccer fanatic or even really keep up with the teams I used to watch regularly in Europe (by the way, Togo's star player Emmanuel Adebayor plays for one of my favorite European club teams, Arsenal), but World Cup soccer is a lot of fun, and it's easy to get caught up in the energy. I'm looking forward to catching some games over the next month.

The Seven Stooges

The Three Stooges is still among the funniest shows ever produced in the history of moving pictures. But did you realize that there were actually 7 different people to play the roles of the stooges at one point or another in the act's evolution?

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I have a rather unusual hobby of visiting the gravesites of notable people. Among the categories I look for is famous actors and actresses who have passed on. But, when I was doing research on the gravesites of the Three Stooges, I kept running across different names that totaled a lot more than three. Finally tonight, I spent a productive two hours doing research on this mystery, so now, as a public service, I offer you the explanation of the Stooges.

In 1922, brothers Moe Howard and Shemp Howard and their friend Ted Healy created a vaudeville show that, little-known to them at the time, would become internationally famous in a few years' time.

In 1930, The Three Stooges had their movie debut with the release of Soup to Nuts. In that film, Moe and Shemp appeared (Shemp playing the role of "Curly"), but Ted Healy was replaced by the somber-faced Larry Fine, who, along with Moe, would remain in his role for the next 40 years until the end of the act in 1970.

However, while Larry and Moe achieved an impressively-stable run by the same actors, Curly wasn't so lucky. In 1932, Shemp decided to pursue his own acting career, so he was replaced by his brother Jerome Howard.

Jerome is the one who gave Curly many of the unique characteristics for which that character is remembered today. In order to provide a contrast to the look of Larry and Moe, he shaved his head, thus becoming the first bald Curly. Also, Jerome had a horrible time remembering his lines, so he would fill in the gaps in his memory with a "woo-woo-woo-woo" sound, which was humorous in itself, caught on, and now is forever-associated with Curly and the Stooges shows.

Sadly, in 1946, Jerome suffered a stroke while on the set filming their 97th show. This ended Jerome's acting career, although he gained much of his health back, enough so that he remarried and had a daughter. But he had several more strokes and ended up dying six years later in 1952.

When Jerome had his stroke in 1946, brother Shemp agreed to return to the role of Curly. From 1946 to 1955, he appeared in 73 Stooges movies. But then, while riding in a car in 1955, Shemp suffered a heart attack which killed him, once again leaving the role of Curly vacant.

At this point, Joe Besser was selected to become the third person to play the role of Curly. In 1956 he appeared in 16 episodes, but then Columbia Pictures canceled The Three Stooges at the end of that year.

It was thought that the impressive run of over 200 movies (a record) was over at that point, but in 1958, the movies were released to an amazing new innovation called television, and there was a resurgence in the group's popularity, giving rise to a demand for new movies.

At the time, Joe Besser's wife was ill, so he was unable to return, so once again a new Curly had to be found, and Joe DeRita was the man to fill the role. As the last of the Curlys, he appeared in the final six films produced during the 1960's.

In 1970, Larry Fine had a stroke, and that ended The Three Stooges for good.

Over the Hedge

Sometimes it's nice to see a movie that is just plain, simple fun. Over the Hedge is exactly that. From start to finish, although you won't necessarily be rolling in the aisles laughing, you will find yourself smiling and chuckling, just having a good time. It's a movie that you can recommend unreservedly to your grandmother but still enjoy yourself as a fun diversion.

One particular point I would highlight about the movie is the superb voice cast. With the advent of so many computer-animated movies in recent years, it has been fun to see how movie-makers have found voice actors who fit the animated characters so perfectly. Bruce Willis, Garry Shandling, Wanda Sykes, and Allison Janney (a favorite of mine from The West Wing) are great. But two of them stand out in particular. I'm a fan of William Shatner, simply because he doesn't take himself seriously. His portrayal of Ozzie the Possum is over-the-top and hilarious. But the show-stealer without question is Steve Carell and his voicing of Hammy the Squirrel ("will you help me find my nuts?"). Anything Steve Carell does is hilarious, and Hammy is just perfect in this movie.

So, for a great fun 90-minute laugh, see Over the Hedge. Oh, and stick around through the credits. The credits themselves are fun, and there's a cute tag scene at the very end.