The Death of the English Language (aka "And You Thought Beowulf Was Hard to Read?")

Hey Bill,

U r prob wondering wot's been happening here in Chi-town since u went AWOL to SF. So, FWIW, here' s a rundown.

U remember Sammy rite? (SN 9inchChiStud on M4M4sex). He's da qt who turned out 2 b such a drama queen, 4ever complaining dat his bf would jo 2 str8 porn. Anyway, I'm on AIM 2nite, and he IM's me, "Hey there, A/S/L? My 411: VGL SGWM 24yo 5'10" 155 lbs 9c vers/btm. Pic trade?"

So I'm there LMAO coz he doesn't realize it's me dat he's IM'd. I'm like, WTF! he's not single, tho IMHO he'd be better off w/o da loser, and of course I would <3 2 f*ck him 2day if I could....LOL

Oh btw, FYI b4 I forget, this may be TMI, but did u know Sammy & his bf invited EatMe23 (da SoCal guy u flirted wit @ 3246) over 4 a 3way? Well, turns out da guy is having da MTF surgery in 2 wks so he wanted a final fling & begged them to do WS! OMG! U woulda been ROTFL listening 2 Sammy tell da story...he was like, "OIC, Gr8 dude, well, gtg, cya l8r" & da guy was totally SOL. I don't know N-E-1 else with da "don't mess wit me, bitch" quality of Sammy.

OK, sori abt dat rabbit trail. So back 2 my story, Sammy IM's me so I decide 2 have a little fun & IM back. I type, "Kewl, thx man, nice profile. SGWM 26yo 6'1" 170 lbs 10uc total top here. Lookin 2 play? Long week so TGIF & I'm ready 4 sum fun. Luv 2 start with C2C & go from there. RUUP4IT? I need sex ASAP."

We sent msgs back & forth 4 a while til I was literally ROTFLMAO. Finally he axed 4 a pic & I sent him 1 of me wit da note "Go 2 bed, Sammy, your bf is waiting 4 u." He just abt died! But, 2 show his gratitude 4 not telling his bf, he's gonna cum over 2moro 4 a bit while his bf is @ wrk....details TBA ;-).

Well, I c dat it's time 4 GH 2 start, so I will write more l8r. Hugz to George & Arnie....tell George 2 get sum R&R soon or I'll slap him, ok? (JK...hehe).

TTFN, remember it's EZ 2 pick up a phone & call sumtime! XOXO, SWAK, & BFF,

Luv, Aaron

:EOM

X-Men 3

Although I would not describe myself as a comic book fan, I have enjoyed a number of the comic book movies that have come out in recent years, Spider Man 2 being the best of those by far. So I had fun watching the first two X-Men movies, and I was pleased with this third (final?) installment of the series. Briefly (and without giving away anything hopefully) here are the things I liked and disliked about the movie.

The things I liked:

• The special effects are fun, entertaining, and impressive. The action/effects sequences are worth seeing regardless of whether you like the storyline or not (loved the Golden Gate bridge scene).
• One of the problems that movies like this have is that, no matter what the peril, you can be pretty sure that most or all of the major characters will survive, because they have to be around for the next movie. This movie, on the other hand, is definitely designed to be a final installment to the X-Men franchise, so it was written without the constraints of a potential future storyline, giving it a much more intense feel than it would have otherwise.
• Movies of this sort have a definite pattern for the bad guys. There is generally a "big bad" master bad guy surrounded by maybe 3 or 4 major assistants, followed by the masses of followers in their band or army or whatever. The masses can be killed off at will, but the major assistants get the more dramatic ends, and finally the big bad master is disposed of. This movie certainly follows that pattern, but what I love is how they decide to finish off the big bad guy (I'm speaking of Magneto). I won't say more, but when you see the movie, you will know what I mean....definitely different from what might be expected.

One thing that speaks to the strengths of this movie is that my few criticisms are not about the storyline, acting, or production value, but rather they are these odd random moments in the film where something is thrown in that is so corny or unnecessary that it jars the viewer with its uselessness. You feel like they have created such a good movie, how could they have missed editing that out? None of them come anywhere close to ruining the movie, but they seem silly:

• Halle Berry's character "Storm" has one of the corniest lines I've heard in a long time when she is talking to Hugh Jackman's "Wolverine" just before they are to get on to their ship before the final confrontation scene. Wolverine says something about the ship being ready, to which Storm replies, "Yes, but the question is, will you be ready to do what is necessary when the time comes?" This completely unsubtle and clumsy attempt at foreshadowing the final big confrontation is delivered with such a pathetic attempt at being a big dramatic moment that my friend who was watching with me and I looked at each other and laughed.
• The explanation of Jean Grey's return is lame. I'm hesitant to even call it an attempt at being a serious explanation, it's so weak.
• My last criticism is a tempered one. Ben Foster's character "Angel" is, for the sake of the storyline, almost completely useless. He exists in the movie basically for one 10-second sequence near the end that itself is rather uninteresting anyway. In no other way does he contribute to the storyline. I seriously think you could remove his scenes from the movie with no explanation or alteration and nobody would know the difference. However, we do get to see him shirtless a lot, so I don't really care that his character is uninteresting.

So, great movie. Considering its box office success, you probably have already seen it, but if not, it's a fun watch and definitely the type of movie you will enjoy more on the big screen than at home on DVD.

It Was Simply a Desire to Travel....

I love the quote from Thomas Mann's Death in Venice:

It was simply a desire to travel; but it had presented itself as nothing less than a seizure, with intensely passionate and indeed hallucinatory force, turning craving into vision. His imagination, still not at rest from the morning's hours of work, shaped for itself a paradigm of all the wonders and terrors of the manifold earth, of all that it was now suddenly striving to envisage....Very well then--he would travel. Not all that far, not quite to where the tigers were. A night in the wagon-lit and a siesta of three or four weeks at some popular holiday resort in the charming south....

Tonight I got my photos taken for my new passport. My first passport expires on June 4. It's hard to believe that just 10 years ago I was preparing for my first trip ever out of the country, but now I have traveled extensively through nearly 20 countries on 3 continents. That even increased my desire to travel in my own country, and I have been to 43 of the US States, 40 of those within the past 10 years.

If you were to ask me what have been the most significant forces in my life in a positive sense to make me who I am today, there are a couple things that would quickly come to mind. First would be parents and a grandmother who showed me by example what it means to learn and change and not assume I know everything, to live by a strong moral code of unselfishness and giving to others, to not be afraid to admit I am wrong, and who, in spite of differences and disagreements (sometimes very sharp) have always loved me unfailingly. But outside of the direct influence of my family, perhaps no other force in my life has so radically affected my outlook on life than my international traveling.

For travel is not just about getting the snapshot from the top of the Eiffel Tower (spent weeks in Paris and never did that....the Arc de Triomphe view is far better). It's not about bringing back t-shirts and key chains and making family members sit through hours of slides of your trip to Thailand on New Year's Even when they would rather be just about anywhere else besides listening to you drone on and on about the....oh, sorry, I think some bitterness against my uncle just came out there.

Traveling internationally will give you a perspective on life and culture and politics and belonging that you cannot get any other way, I am convinced. This is something that starts from the moment you leave the airport of your home. There's a big difference from a Los Angeles-Chicago flight than a Chicago-Accra, Ghana flight. It took me 24 hours of travel with a layover in Europe to get to Africa, and suddenly, I started to comprehend how big the planet is and how small my little world had been to that point.

I saw my thinking transform from that scourge of Midwestern Mentality and American superiority to understanding how much I could learn from other cultures and peoples. I began to understand the subtle undercurrent of prejudice that ran through my beliefs and opinions. In Africa, I experienced something that very few American-born white guys have the privilege of experiencing, and that is to get a glimpse of what it is like to truly live as a minority. For there were times in Africa when I would go days without seeing another person with white skin. Admittedly, the Togolese people are very kind and welcoming to the "yovos" (white-skinned people), but just the feeling of being on the "outside" has never left me. And I think (and hope) it has helped me to be more sensitive and understanding since I have been back in the States.

One of the coolest things I have noticed which shows me that perhaps something fundamental changed in my mind from traveling is this: 10 years ago, without exception, every one of my close friends was a white American of western-European descent. Today, however, through no conscious choice or intention to make it this way, I have been blessed to have one of the most international group of friends of anyone I know. And stop chuckling, they are not all from Asia!

So, I am thankful for several things tonight. First, I am thankful for the privilege I have had to travel--simply for the amazing places I have seen and things I have experienced, from the historic grandeur of the Coliseum in Rome to the happily-endured heartburn from the little greasy fajita stand in Mexico to the silent awe at the breathtaking Cliffs of Moher in Ireland to the ingenuity, beauty, and hospitality shown to us at the mud castles of the Tam Berma people in Togo. Second, I am thankful for the way traveling has changed my perspective on the world, trusting it has made me into a better person. And finally, I'm so thankful that it's time for me to get a new passport so I can get rid of that picture with those huge glasses. What was I thinking?

Don't Know Jack

For the first nearly-28 years of my life, I was a very sheltered young man. Prior to a month before my 28th birthday, I had never stayed overnight with a guy (or girl for that matter), had never drank alcohol, did drugs, or smoked a cigarette, never danced, never went to a bar (with the exception of when my car broke down in Wisconsin and I had to call a tow truck).

Now, sometimes I think maybe I missed out on a lot, but most of the time, I'm somewhat glad that I was a bit older before I had these experiences, because I was not the most mature 21-year-old, and I am sure I would not have had much self-control had they come earlier. But, one result of my late blooming is that I am rather ignorant about alcohol. Certainly I have learned plenty in the past 3 years, but I find that I am pretty limited in my drink selections, simply because I don't know everything that's out there. Here is a complete list of drinks that I have sampled (or at least those that I was sober enough to remember):

• Screwdriver - my very first alcoholic drink, June 27, 2003 (not bad, but haven't had many since)
• Sex on the Beach - my second drink, same night (too sweet for my taste if I recall correctly, haven't had one since)
• Long Island Iced Tea - my third drink, same night (and that was enough). Drink these occasionally but not a huge fan.
• Malibu Rum-Pineapple Juice - currently my favorite drink
• Effen Black Vodka-Coke - runner-up favorite
• Captain Morgan-Coke - haven't ordered it since I discovered Effen Black-Coke
  
• Bailey's on the Rocks - love it
• Vodka-Sprite / Vodka-Tonic - good stand-by drinks
• Mojito - Love it...so refreshing when made well
  
• Bloody Mary - very possibly the worst-tasting thing I've ever put in my mouth
• Smirnoff Ice and other fruity Smirnoffs - not bad, will drink if offered but don't go out of my way
• Apple Martini - have taken sips from the drink of a particular friend who orders them all the time; not my favorite but not bad either
• Cosmopolitan - had one very soon after I came out in 2003, didn't like it at all, but someone told me I should give it another chance. Perhaps.
  

It is possible that I have forgotten some other beverage, but that is essentially my alcoholic repertoire. I have tasted a couple different beers and hated them all. Wine is a taste I am slowly acquiring but am not yet completely appreciating. But it's definitely the mixed drinks that I enjoy, and it is that category that I would like to expand my knowledge of and experience with.

So, I am seeking recommendations. What are your favorite drinks? What are the drinks that you are aghast not to see on my list, that you can't imagine having lived 30 years without? What are the drinks that, if you saw me standing holding them at Sidetrack some Saturday night, you would say, "That guy has good taste in alcohol. I want him"? All comments and suggestions appreciated (and tell me why you like them, what they taste like, etc.).

The West Wing

If someone were to design a TV show specifically for the purpose of entertaining me, they would probably come up with a show having something to do with the presidents. Ever since my excellent high-school government teacher gave me my final project topic of "Presidential Leadership Styles," I have been fascinated by US presidential history. This fascination has grown into a pretty significant hobby, as I have collected and read many books about the presidents and traveled to over 150 historic sites related to the presidents (including the gravesite of every deceased president and all of the presidential libraries save one).

So I was thrilled when I heard of this new TV show called The West Wing but at the same time disappointed because it came out just as I was about to move to Belgium. So, since I did not get to start the series in its first season, I never got around to watching it at all. Until now.

Fortunately, I have a friend who has begun purchasing each of the seasons of the show on DVD as they are released, and he has been kind enough to allow me to borrow them to watch. I am now about halfway through the third season, and although I'm obviously late to the party, I must say, this show is awesome! It's like porn for presidential history geeks (both of us).

Off the top of my head, here's some random things I have loved about the series thus far.
- The pacing of the show is great. With one exception, the dialogue is very fast-paced and the action constant. The set on which they work is amazing, full, and inter-connected, so they move quickly from one room to another, giving the impression of the intense pressure-filled atmosphere that comes from running the most powerful office in the world. However, scenes within the Oval Office are invariably much calmer and slower-paced, and the contrast works brilliantly.
- The writers of the show have done an amazing amount of research and work in all kinds of cool trivia and even educational information into the storylines of the show. And, as a president snob, I love when I hear some historical bit of trivia and can say, "I knew that!"
- Controversial issues are dealt with in a superb manner. Although the Bartlett administration is Democratic, Republicans are not presented as hateful morons. There are certainly some
"bad" politicians in the show, but they are not limited to one party. And, when characters in the show are arguing over a difficult topic, the strongest possible arguments for either position are presented effectively, so even if the show ends up going one direction, those who went the other are generally shown to be thoughtful, patriotic people who just have a sincere difference of opinion. I also love how they do not shy away from difficult truths about touchy topics. Very brave and, rarity of rarities in modern-day TV drama, actually stimulates the viewer's thinking. And I love how the main characters in the show are presented as intelligent but real (and sometimes flawed) people who are not where they are (earning far less than they could with their abilities most anywhere else) just for power, but because they truly love their country and want to make a difference.
- Rob Lowe is still hot.

Late Night Trips to Chinatown

There is a conspiracy to keep me from reaching my weight loss goals, I'm sure of it. One of the key players in this plot is the Three Happiness restaurant in Chinatown. Three Happiness actually is the name of two different restaurants in Chinatown, presumably operated by the same people since they are directly across the street from each other. The large main restaurant is open for normal hours and has very good dim sum. But the small one pictured above is the dangerous one, primarily because it is open 24 hours.

Consequently, after a night out at the clubs or when one particular friend gets off work around midnight and has a snack attack, Three Happiness begins to call out with the song of the Sirens, irresistibly drawing me toward the cliffs of obesity. For within the walls of that wonderful place are the most wonderful potstickers I have ever tasted. Yes, I drive all the way from Lakeview to Chinatown sometimes more than once a week, just for the potstickers. Last time I was there, I even asked for an extra order to take home for lunch the next day. My aforementioned friend and I have been there so often recently that the people who work there recognize us when we walk in. Fairly soon, I suspect they will be asking us if we want "the usual."

So, if you find yourself with a craving for food late at night, head down to the corner of Cermak and Wentworth; I'll save a spot at my table for you, but you'll have to get your own potstickers.

Mission Impossible 3

This post is several days overdue, but last Friday, I went with a friend to see Mission Impossible 3. I went to see it in spite of, not because of, the first two movies. The first was decent but unremarkable. The second was forgettable. But, I was a big fan of the TV series growing up, plus hearing that Alias and Lost creator J.J. Abrams wrote and directed the movie gave me enough hope that I was willing to give the movie a chance.

And, while the movie is not going to be listed among the great spy movies of all time, it's definitely a fun watch and a huge step up from the first two editions. Besides Abrams' directing, this movie had two significant things going in its favor. First, the superb acting of Philip Seymour Hoffman, who can do the understated, cold-blooded bad guy role masterfully. And second, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Not the acting of Meyers, which is not spectacularly good or bad, but just the fact that we get to look at him throughout the movie.

The movie is not a mental exercise by any means, but it keeps you entertained throughout with good pacing and the kind of fun special effects you would expect from such a movie. My main complaint is the tired use of the spy-genre cliche of the formerly-great agent who has retired from field operations to settle down and start a family coming back for one last mission. Also, while I'm not particularly prudish about sex in movies, the scene where Tom Cruise and his newlywed wife have sex in the hospital storage room contributes to the plot just about as much as the sex scene in the second Matrix movie--not at all. For someone as creative as Abrams (whose work on Alias and Lost is absolutely brilliant and nearly unparalleled), he could have done better.

So, fun movie, good weekend relaxation, but not worth buying the DVD.

Pho Hoa

I love new food experiences. As I was growing up, I lived next door to my grandmother, who said (more times than I can count) that I should never say I don't like something until I have tried it once. She would allow us to skip eating something she made for dinner, but only if we had tried it before and given it a chance. That thinking stuck in my head, and I began to realize that most things that were served on a plate were at least tolerable, if not enjoyable. I even had the opportunity to turn this around on my grandmother when I was in high school, when we took her and my mom out for Mother's Day to a nice French restaurant. I ordered escargot, one of my favorites, but which my grandmother had never tried in her life. When I asked her if she wanted to try it, she wrinkled her nose and said no. But when I asked if she had ever tried it before, she knew she was done for. She tried it and still didn't like it, but it was fun to see her (pun intended) "taste her own medicine."

When I was in college, my food experiences expanded greatly when I took three trips to Africa. During those trips, I truly learned to eat anything that was set in front of me, be it termites, monkey, or (yes, it's true) dog. Then two years in Europe further enlarged my palette (and my waistline), and now I live in Chicago with the most international group of friends I have ever had. Consequently, when I am offered a new food I have not tried before, my instinctive reaction is excitement and anticipation rather than nervousness and revulsion.

One of my most recent new culinary experiences has been the Vietnamese soup called Pho. This meal was introduced to me by my friend Chun a couple months ago, and I enjoyed it instantly. Since then, I have found that another good friend of mine is also a Pho fan, so we have gone on several occasions to various restaurants near Broadway and Argyle that serve the soup. The first of these restaurants, and still my favorite, is Pho Hoa at 4925 N. Broadway in Chicago. It has a very laid-back "cafe" feel, but they serve delicious soup in portions more than I can eat for about six dollars. They also have pretty decent smoothies, and a bonus is that there is free parking in the lot there (rather than having to search for street parking as with most restaurants in the area).

For those unfamiliar with Pho, it is a beef-broth based soup to which is added white rice noodles, green and white onions, and various types of meat, such as beef brisket, meatballs, tripe, and tendon. Along with the soup they will include a plate with fresh basil, lime, bean sprouts, and chile peppers to be added into the soup. And, at the table, there is hoisin sauce, fish sauce, and hot sauce to be mixed in with all these ingredients. Personally, I add all of the ingredients except the peppers and hot sauce, since I think the flavor is delicious enough without needing that extra kick. While eating the soup, I have often wondered who came up with this combination of ingredients, but put simply, it works. It is a delicious meal for less than I'd pay at McDonalds. If you have not tried Pho, I highly recommend it, and Pho Hoa is definitely a good option to start your experience.

A interesting cultural side note....I was once again at Pho Hoa on Sunday for dinner with my friend, and we both noticed that, as happened on previous visits, the waiter seemed to be inattentive to us, not bringing our bill to us even though we had finished eating quite a bit earlier. Finally, I went up to the kitchen area myself to get the bill and pay for the meal. But, when looking up information about Pho while typing this post, I ran across this statement in Wikipedia: "Vietnamese pho restaurants usually retain the cultural practice of not delivering the bill to a customer's table, since it is considered rude—in Vietnamese culture, it is seen as a way of trying to rush the customer out the door."

Veronica Mars Renewed for Third Season!

One of the greatest but most under-appreciated shows on television is Veronica Mars. It is so well-written and acted, but for some reason it has not caught on with viewers as it should considering its quality. I'm not certain all the reasons for this, but at least two come to mind. First, the storyline is pretty serialized and complex, so if you are going to follow the plot throughout the season, you have to be a pretty faithful weekly watcher. Miss an episode and you can get confused quickly. But stay consistent in watching and you are rewarded with excellent drama. Second (and probably the main reason), the network people just did not do the show justice. Time slot changes and the like have made it hard for people to keep up with the show, and the ratings suffered as a result.

Consequently, whether or not the new CW network (which will be formed with the merger of UPN and the WB) would renew the show has been a scary topic for fans of the show. But, just this afternoon, the news came that the show has indeed been picked up for a third season! Life is good once again.

Kinky Boots

Very seldom (in fact never before that I can recall) have I ever seen a movie knowing absolutely nothing about it beforehand than the title. However, that's exactly what happened Sunday evening when I went with a good friend of mine to see Kinky Boots.

Now, I'm totally an Apple.com Trailers whore, so it's amazing to me that I had not seen the trailer for the movie at some point. When my friend told me on Friday (as we left another movie we had watched together) that he wanted to see Kinky Boots, I thought he was joking. But then on Sunday, after we had a nice late lunch of Vietnamese Pho soup, he again suggested that we go see the movie. I asked what it was about, and he said it had something to do with a shoe factory.

So, being the agreeable person that I am, I consented to go. And I am so glad I did! This was one of the most fun and entertaining movies I have seen this year. The first pleasant surprise of the movie was finding out that it starred Chiwetel Ejiofor, who is quickly becoming an actor that I love. He appeared in another favorite movie of mine this year, Inside Man, and he was great in his role as the bounty hunter in Serenity (also a must-see movie). But this is the movie in which he shines above the others. His portrayal of "Lola", a flamboyant drag queen, is hilarious and, when necessary, very moving.

The movie is the account (apparently drawn from true events) of a very formal, traditional shoe company in Northhampton, England, that ends up producing fancy shoes for transvestites in an attempt to keep from having to close its doors during hard times. It's a film about overcoming prejudice and learning to accept oneself and others. It's a wonderful story of the potential for growth and change and the power of self-sacrifice to inspire others.

Sometimes having no expectations is helpful, because you are less likely to be disappointed. So perhaps you will want to take my recommendation with the realization that I went to the movie somewhat expecting to be bored, so the movie exceeded that easily. Still, I think that the movie will hold up even to high hopes, and I am glad to recommend it.

And I definitely won't question my friend the next time he suggests a movie I haven't heard of.

United 93

When I first heard that a movie was going to be made about United Flight 93 that crashed in Pennsylvania on September 11, 2001, I had almost no desire whatsoever to see the movie. Like many, the emotions that I felt so intensely on that day are still fresh enough in my memory that I did not really want to stir them up again. Plus, I was afraid that any attempt to dramatize those events would end up irritating and frustrating me.

However, when the movie was released about 3 weeks ago on April 28, I began to hear comments about it from various people and online reviews, and without exception, everyone I heard from said good things about it. Metacritic.com, one of my favorite online movie review sites, gives it a score of 89 out of 100, a full 13 points higher than the next-highest movie currently in theaters (Inside Man, another great movie, which received a 76 score). That puts United 93 as #45 all-time of the currently-4,180 movies scored on that site (the conept of Metacritic is that they assign a weighted-average score to movies based on a 100-point scale, according to reviews of the movies by film critics around the nation. Because the score reflects the consensus of major film critics, it generally gives a fair, though not perfect, analysis of which movies are worth seeing or not). My other major source is my best friend from high school Guy, whose taste in movies is very similar to mine. On his blog, he reviewed the movie and couldn't say enough good about it, placing it (at least thus far) as the best movie he has seen this year. He even went back again after watching the movie a few times and did a second post singing its praises. As well, he told me several times in the past 3 weeks I should go see it.

So, since I had some time free this evening and needed to return some borrowed stuff to Guy anyway, I decided to drive out to Schaumburg and watch the movie. And what did I think? Well, add me to the list of those who think very highly of this movie. As you would expect, it's a difficult movie to watch, and yet the story is very powerful and the passengers on the airplane worthy of the honor they receive from its telling.

More than probably any other historical movie I have ever seen, the movie does not "dramatize" the events; rather, as much as they possibly could, they try to present the story in a straightforward and historic way. Often "historical" movies enlarge the heroes to "Superman" status, but that does not happen here. No background stories are given of any of the passengers or other characters; indeed, the first time we see the passengers is as they board the airplane. As you watch, you really get a sense of the confusion, and although you know the end of the story, you feel as if you are figuring things out along with the characters. The heroes here are shown in their terror and confusion, yet they pulled together and undoubtedly saved thousands of lives though they were unable to save their own.

Other "historical" movies tend to place harsh judgment on mistakes that were made when a balanced view would have to admit that the mistakes were not malicious nor as foolish as they seem in hindsight if you consider the information available to those making the decisions at that time (without the advantage of interminable analysis that came afterwards). This movie shows the mistakes that were made in honesty, but you understand that those involved did everything within their power with the information available to them at the time.

No political statements were made by the movie. The terrorists were shown to be who they were, devout adherents to a fatally-flawed and hatred-filled religious belief. One of the poignant moments of the show comes as the passengers are about to attempt to take back the plane from the hijackers. Several passengers are shown reciting the Lord's Prayer, interspersed with shots of the hijackers reciting their Muslim prayers. (On a side note, I have to have a lot of respect for the four men who played the roles of the hijackers. Since they were involved with this movie that had such heavy input from the families of the passengers, there is no doubt in my mind that those four actors are dedicated patriotic Americans to whom the actions of those they portrayed are as repulsive and horrifying as to any other American, but they completed their roles in the film in an admirable way. Personally, I would not be too eager to have that role on my resume.)

For the sake of time and the patience of anyone reading this, I will summarize by saying that each element of this film weaves together a story that illustrates the best of what filmmaking can accomplish: to tell a story without embellishment or exaggeration, admitting the humanity of those involved, but showing the actions of a group of people whose courage rose to the level of the extraordinary circumstances into which they were thrust against their will.

Go see the movie. It's important to remember.

50 Gay Questions

I guess the fact that we publish blogs and that we read them illustrates the exhibitionist and voyeuristic tendencies of our society, and few trends prove this more than the rise of these "50 Question" surveys and their ilk, which ask personal questions whose answers, instead of being confined to our private diaries, we get to share with total strangers around the world for time immemorial. I guarantee there is some Ph.D. candidate out there who has studied and quantified the compulsion behind this phenomenon, but not knowing the reasons myself, I just go with it and fill these surveys out like the lemming I am.

I stole this survey from the Chicagosexbox blog who in turn stole it from someone else. So, perpetuating the madness, here are my answers to the "50 Gay Questions" survey:

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay? My first crush was in fifth or sixth grade, but growing up in a (self-described) conservative Republican Fundamentalist Baptist home, I ended up being a late-bloomer and didn't admit it fully to myself until I was 27.
2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex? Nope, virgin to all sex until 27 years old (seriously...never even kissed) and no desire to try the girls either.
3. Who was the first person you came out to? My roommate Phil in Rockford (could not have asked for a better one....totally hot straight guy who is still one of the most accepting people I know....he used to walk around the house in just a towel and tease me by saying "I bet you wish I'd drop this towel, don't you, Mike?" Or he and his girlfriend would be making out on the couch and he would say to his girlfriend, "Mike is really jealous of you right now, honey."). If only the second, third, and fourth people I came out to had been as pleasant....
4. Are you out to your family? Yes (we have a very gay family, much to the older generation's chagrin).
5. Do you want children? Not yet, but perhaps eventually; it's not a driving desire.
6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? Gay.
7. Were you out in school? Nope.
8. Is your best friend the same sex as you? Yes.
9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them? No, he's straight.
10. Would you prefer to date a guy taller than you or shorter than you? Doesn't matter to me.
11. Have you ever been in a sling? No.
12. Have you ever done a 3-way? These questions are awfully personal.
13. Have you ever dressed in drag? Not yet.
14. Would you date a drag queen? Doubtful, but won't say never.
15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile? I'm easy to please.
16. Have you had sex with someone of a different ethnicity? Perhaps the question should be have I had sex with someone who was not of a different ethnicity? (the answer would still be yes either way, though...lol).
17. How many Cher CDs do you own? Everything's on my iPod, but of course, I do have the token Cher selections required to keep my gay membership card active.
18. Name of your first love? Heath Ledger.
19. Do you still talk to them? Not since the restraining order.
20. Does size matter? No more so than weight (in the same way that I would not be attracted if a guy looks like he is on Day 42 of Survivor or if he looks like Hurley on Lost...but most anywhere in between is fine).
21. Biggest turn on? Physical-A great smile and eyes that laugh; Personality-Kindness, honesty, and respect; Sexual - Good kisser, and versatility
22. Biggest turn off? Physical-Too much hair or smoker's breath; Personality-Meanness, dishonesty, and self-absorption; Sexual - Bad kisser
23. Ever been harassed due to your orientation? Not worth mentioning.
24. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you? I know nothing about sports, and I love dance music.
25. Ever been to a pride rally? Does the parade count? That's as much as I've done.
26. Would you marry if you could? No. But for reasons I haven't heard most anyone else articulate (seems I get people on both sides of the debate mad at me when I say my opinion...lol).
27. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? Rich and smart.
28. Do you sculpt your eyebrows? No.
29. Do you trim your body hair? Yes.
30. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Yes.
31. Ever been to an orgy? No.
32. Have you dated your best friend's ex? No, my best friend is straight, so that would require dating a girl.
33. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president? Nah. Though I think she's pretty cool.
34. Do you want monogamy in your relationships? Yes, or at the very least faithfulness to whatever commitment we make to each other.
35. Do you believe in true love? Absolutely. I'm a hopeless romantic. But true love is not an emotion solely. The love can be there even as the emotion ebbs and flows.
36. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, two.
37. Do you have any piercings? No.
38. Would you date a smoker? It has happened, but not preferred.
39. Do you get HIV tests every 6 months? Yes
40. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.? No.
41. Do you know what Stonewall was? No.
42. Strangest place you have had sex? Broom closet.
43. Strangest place you've woken up? Have only been that drunk once in my life and a friend was kind enough to take me home so just woke up in my own bed.
44. Are your best years behind or in front of you? I really am versatile, but I guess if I have to decide, my best years are when he's behind me.
45. Favorite porn movie? I get bored easily watching the same porn, so that changes about once a week.
46. Are you in love now? Not yet. But someday my prince will cum.
47. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl? Nope, I put that term "love" on too high a pedestal to say that is what I have felt for them.
48. Did you ever have sex with them? Nope.
49. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No, though I have been to a beach where a couple others didn't realize it was not a nude beach.
50. Have you ever been/stayed in a relationship for Money or Security, instead of Love and Friendship? No.

How Did It Happen?

I'm a pretty consistently casual American Idol fan. I never watched an episode til last season, but I haven't missed one since (not counting the increasingly dull and repetitive episodes before they get to the final 24). But I'm not rabid about it. I think I have voted 3 or 4 times ever, and I often watch the episodes on my DVR a day or two after they air rather than live.

I think what I enjoy about the show as much as anything is the theoretical aspects of the voting and the show's popularity. Can you imagine the Vegas odds on Elliott, Taylor, and Katharine's being the top 3 if people had been asked when there were 24 (or even 12) contestants?

When Chris Daughtry was eliminated on Wednesday, I (who have been fairly neutral about Chris, neither loving nor hating him) was fascinated by the reactions of friends--particularly my brother, who is the most faithful AI watcher I know. I'm fairly certain he has never missed an episode since the show's inception, and he even made it to the top 50 or so contestants two seasons ago during the tryouts in Atlanta (not making it to Hollywood, though, but still pretty decent considering the thousands of people who auditioned that day). But Chris' departure made him approach the point of being ready to quit watching the show (not likely to happen, but said in the heat of the moment after the elmination).

The common explanation I have heard since Wednesday is the typical argument whenever there is a "shock" elimination, that Chris' fans became over-confident and didn't vote as they should have. Now, while that may have played a small part in the voting, something about the argument didn't seem right to me. Perhaps if a popular person gets eliminated when there are 8 or 10 contestants left, but who would be over-confident when the field of contestants is so narrow?

Still, I did not have a good alternative explanation until today. This New York Post article gives a great explanation that I think has a lot of merit. It's worth the read, but essentially the author, John Podhoretz, says that the AI voting is similar to the presidential primaries in American politics. When one candidate drops out of the race, his supporters don't just stop participating (since they are still interested in the political process); instead, they latch on to another candidate. In the same way, AI fans who supported say, Paris Bennett, for the most part did not stop voting when she got eliminated a week ago. So, where did they go? As Podhoretz says, if you loved Paris, you probably were not a big Chris fan. So, as likely happened with the elimination of Ace Young and perhaps even Kellie Pickler to some extent, Elliott's support base grew because of his appeal's being more broad-based than Chris'. Consequently, each week, although he hasn't been the most flashy performer and although he has bad teeth, Elliott has grown stronger and stronger, and now has a good chance of winning the whole competition (particularly if Taylor Hicks suffers from the same problem as Chris....the big question now is, where will Chris' votes go?)

One final note, I'm a sucker for sentimentalism, but I happen to be pretty fond of Paul Abdul. People laugh at her shows of emotion when she cries about the competition, but I think she's a pretty genuine person, and I like what she said in an interview Wednesday night: "People can make fun of me all they want, but I care so much about all these kids. They’re the most humble, grounded, amazing group. I think they all deserve [to win]. I would be happy to have any one of them as my kids."

Stick It

I have held off doing other posts for this past week because of my wanting to emphasize a topic for which I have a lot of personal passion, but now we return to your regularly-scheduled shallow programming. Last Saturday, I went to see the movie Stick It, written and directed by Jessica Bendinger, who wrote a movie I love, Bring It On (starring the amazing Eliza Dushku and Kirsten Dunst, the first time I really "noticed" her in a movie; now love her acting. On a side note entirely unrelated to this movie, I ran across a little trivia that a very-young Kirsten Dunst played a young Cairn girl in a 1993 episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. So I like her even more now).

Bring it On is a movie about cheerleaders, and it is definitely the "sister" movie to Stick It, which is about gymnastics. Both movies masterfully weave together great sarcastic humor and fun eye candy (the cheerleading routines and gymnastics competitions, respectively). However, Stick It does not quite reach to the level of its predecessor, as the overall storyline is a bit dull and predictable. There are a few moments that are powerful, particularly the confrontation between Jeff Daniels' character and Missy Peregrym's character when she walks out of the competition. But overall it is not a memorable plot. Still, one thing I can say for the movie is that it is fun. You will leave the theater having enjoyed yourself and being amazed at the athletic ability of the girls. And, if you like this movie at all, you will LOVE Bring it On.

Day 7 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I have been writing posts each day this week with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

The focus of my posts throughout this week has been primarily on resources to help those who have lost someone they love to suicide. This is understandable since that is where I have come from in recent months. And I did this intentionally, because that has often been an overlooked aspect of the topic of suicide.

But it seems appropriate to close out the week with a post on the problem of suicide itself. Suicide is one of those topics that is not talked about in "polite" company. The stigma surrounding suicide is deep and long-established. Religions have considered suicide to be an unforgiveable sin. Socially, people often assume that suicide can only happen in the "messed up" families, that a suicide likely indicates parental or spousal failing. The person who has lost someone to suicide becomes a modern-day Hester Prynne, wearing a nearly-visible "S" on his or her clothing, always identified as "the one whose [relation] committed suicide."

But the problem of suicide is too large and too devastating for this stigma to continue. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States, fourth for those between the ages of 18 and 65. Every 18 minutes someone in the United States completes suicide, and it is estimated that suicide attempts are made once every minute (in reality, the number of suicide deaths is probably far higher than the 30,000 or so confirmed, because many suicides are ruled accidental due to indeterminate situations....i.e. - was it a suicide or a legitimate accident with a gun?). And every one of those suicides leaves a trail of broken hearts and lives of those who are left behind.

I love the symbolism of the AFSP's fundraising walk, the Out of the Darkness Overnight, where those participating walk 20 miles through the night, ending the walk as the sun rises the next morning. It is a beautiful symbol of hope and healing for those in the "darkness" of the pain of losing someone to suicide. But it also is a bold statement that this topic, which has been kept in the shadows for too long, needs to be discussed openly, honestly, and frequently.

I think this quote is excellent: "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." This is an excellent summary of a pretty complex topic, but it covers the two main aspects of the problem. To reduce the occurrences of suicide, we as a society need to help to (1) reduce the pain and/or (2) increase the coping resources.

Happily, many in the medical professions and in politics have begun to see the need to find answers to this problem. The resources today are greater than they have ever before been in history. 24-hour, free-of-charge help is readily available to anyone dealing with suicidal thoughts, from such sources as crisis hotlines like 1-800-SUICIDE. Constant, well-funded, ongoing research continues to identify those at greatest risk and develop strategies for helping those who are facing deep pain and hoplessness.

What causes passion? What issues or topics arouse something within you that prompts you to action? Generally, we don't just randomly select something to which we want to dedicate ourselves and our time; rather, we are confronted through mean of a person, an event, a story, or an experience which so affects us that we are moved to do something about the need we see. So I understand that many who read this will not feel the passion that I do, since I have seen firsthand the devastation caused by suicide. But perhaps hearing my story would encourage someone to put a bit of effort into educating yourself on the topic and contributing to its solution. Perhaps doing that may even help someoone to avoid the devastation altogether.

So, for anyone who may be interested, here are some good starting points on the internet for learning about suicide and how you can be involved in helping address this problem and identifying warning signs for those you love and care for:

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• American Association of Suicidology
• Befrienders Worldwide - I appreciate that they recognize the increased risk of suicide among gay and lesbian people. That's a subject I hope to investigate further in the days to come.
• Hopeline (1-800-SUICIDE)
• Samaritans
• SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education)

This is the final day of the National Suicide Awareness Week, but I hope that perhaps you will think about this topic in the days to come and ask yourself what you can do to be a part of the solution. There are many worthy causes competing for attention and resources, and I am not trying to say this is a cause that surpasses all others in importance. But I can say with confidence that it is a cause that is worth your time and effort and in which even a small effort can mean the difference in the life of someone in despair.

Day 6 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

Today's post will be primarily a post of gratitude for a group of people who have been so helpful to me during the process of the past seven months. There is an organization in Chicago known by the acronym LOSS, which stands for "Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide." This is a group run by the Catholic Charities office of Chicago, designed to offer full support to those who have lost someone to suicide. They do this in 3 primary ways. First, they publish a monthly newsletter which is sent out free-of-charge to a very large mailing list far beyond the borders of Chicago. Second, they hold monthly support group meetings where survivors can meet other people who have gone through the same experience. Those meetings are run by others who have lost someone to suicide, and they always include a mental health professional to answer questions and give advice. And third, they offer one-on-one counseling with trained therapists, also free-of-charge. I have taken advantage of each of these resources, and they have been key in my getting to the point where I am able to view my experience as a sad but survivable journey.

Support groups and individual therapy are two of the most important resources after the initial days following the suicide. I would strongly recommend that, if a person can in any way handle it, these resources should be investigated within a month or so after the event. The AFSP has a wonderful listing of support groups around the country. That is where I found the LOSS group in my area, and I know others who have found similarly-wonderful groups in their part of the world.

Day 5 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND WHO IS DEALING WITH THE SUICIDE OF A LOVED ONE

Death is awkward. There's no way around it. When someone loses a loved one, no matter what the circumstances, there are inevitably awkward social moments that will come. How do you say something meaningful when the person knows his or her loved one will never return? How do you encapsulate into a sentence or two the sympathy and comfort you want to give to the person and how badly you wish you could make things better for those who are hurting?

Suicide, though, is doubly or triply awkward. Not only do those who are grieving experience the sorrow that comes with death, but piled on top of that is anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror, and trauma that goes beyond the "normal" death.

Medical professionals estimate that around 80% of deaths have at least one or two weeks' warning. But suicide almost always is completely without warning. Natural deaths are generally peaceful, a person quietly slipping away. But suicide is almost always violent and harsh. In death by disease or from other medical reasons, rational explanations can be found. In a car accident, fate or another driver can be blamed. In a murder, there is someone to be angry at. But toward whom or toward what can the suicide survivor turn his negative emotions? He or she will be angry at the very person who has died. This will lead to guilt for being angry or for not noticing the signs in time. That will lead to anger at self or deep sorrow and confusion.

For those who love the person who has experienced this deep loss, there is the added difficulty of this social "stigma" (real or imagined) that surrounds suicide. So again, hoping that nobody who reads this will ever have the horror of suicide visited upon you personally, I still recognize that many of you will be touched in some way by suicide through those you have friendship with. As a suicide survivor, allow me to offer some suggestions that, I hope, will stick in your head and someday help someone to offer real help and comfort to a friend in need:

1. You don't have to say anything! If you are with someone who is grieving and do not know the words to say, don't force it! Don't feel any obligation to speak. You may very well accomplish exactly the opposite of what you intend by saying something stupid. I realize that sitting there in silence may feel very awkward to you, but I will say without hesitation that some of those who were the greatest help to me in those early days were my friends and family who simply sat next to me, put their arm around me or on my shoulder, and let me cry in silence. Your presence next to that person says the one thing that is most needed in those moments, and says it more eloquently than you ever could in words. It says, "I love you, and you are not alone!" Allow yourself to feel awkward in silence, because I guarantee it is not awkward for the person grieving; your presence there physically infuses something that that person has great need of....hope.

2. Allow the bereaved to say anything....or nothing. At various points in the process, I wanted to scream at someone. Who that "someone" was changed from moment to moment. I wanted to yell at God for not keeping it from happening. I wanted to yell at Alfred for not calling me for help. I wanted to yell at anyone and everyone who had ever failed Alfred, including myself. I wanted to say things that were absolutely crazy. And I was blessed to have friends and family who would allow me to say these things without judgment or advice or correction. If the person who is grieving says something hurtful or incorrect or just plain stupid, don't use it as an opportunity to show off your counseling skills. A simple statement such as this will be much more helpful: "[Person's name], I love you. I know you are hurting beyond what I could ever understand. And I'm here for you anytime you need me, for as long as you need me. And I truly believe you are going to get through this." The person probably knows that what they are saying is irrational (and is likely feeling guilty about it), so unconditional acceptance and love in those moments is powerful.

3. Keep your phone on. A person who has lost someone to suicide will very likely find that their sleep has been stolen from them. They will wake up in the middle of the night (if they were lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place) and the loneliness and sorrow will sometimes be overwhelming. Especially in the first few weeks, it is essential that the person has someone to call anytime, day or night. They may feel awkward or say they won't do it, but a couple times I was awake in the middle of the night and actually called a friend who graciously sat and talked to me as long as I needed. Physical darkness can enhance the darkness someone feels inside; having someone to talk them through the night can help a grief-stricken survivor get through until the sunrise reminds them there is still hope.

4. Do things that show you are thinking rather than just reacting. When there is a death, social custom causes the bereaved to be drowned in flowers, calls of sympathy, and letters in the mail. These things are essential and appreciated. However, from personal experience, I will say that all of those things are a blur to me. I probably could not tell you who specifically sent a card or flowers or called me in the days immediately after Alfred's death. What I do remember is the friend who stopped by with "Ensure" meal replacement drinks because, at the wake, he could tell I was not eating well. He told me that, even if I had no appetite for a meal, I should drink one of those to keep my strength up and to get the nutrition I needed. I remember the friend who knew that Alfred and I would attend church together, so that friend offered to go with me the first Sunday I would have gone without Alfred, to make sure I wasn't alone. Yet another friend put together a CD for me of music specifically chosen for lyrics that offered hope without claiming to have all the answers. Things like that require creativity and thought, but they will never be forgotten.

5. Remember the difficult dates. From the day of the suicide until the wake, funeral, and burial are complete (i.e. - the first week or two), the survivor will be surrounded by well-wishers. However, that crowd quickly dissipates after the "official" social processes have been completed, leaving the griever often alone long before the pain has gone away. One way you can remind that person that she is not alone is by remembering the tough dates. The "month-markers" are the first that come to mind in a suicide. Personally, I always think of Alfred's suicide on the 13th of any month. Seven months out, it is not an overwhelmingly-painful reminder. However, the first 6 months are rough to get through (perhaps longer for some), and a call or a note on those month marks will do more than you can imagine to communicate to the person that you truly care. Other dates that are difficult include the deceased person's birthday, any special days they shared (for example, if it's a partner or spouse that has passed away, their anniversary or first date), and special holidays, particularly Christmas. The greater the joy previously associated with a date, the greater potential for sorrow now. (Note: Computer programs can be great helps in remembering these dates. I use Microsoft Outlook for my appointments, and I can set up a reminder for just about anything, including those days I need to remember to call a friend. Set up those reminders on the month-mark days in your appointment program or book; it's a simple thing that speaks volumes.)

There are many other things, but keeping in mind these 5 will set you miles apart from many who will be kind but not really infuse hope to a person who probably feels like there is no reason even to look to the future. Realizing you don't have to fix everything, you can be the "first responder" who helps your friend get through the most critical time in those days following the worst day of his or her life.

**Final note: I won't be so arrogant as to assume anyone would find these thoughts particularly profound; however, if you think they can be helpful to you or anyone else, please do not hesitate to distribute this post freely.

Day 4 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

One more resource I could not fail to mention is the CD which cover is pictured above, titled Chaos of the Heart. Again, this is a religious resource, and I would say it has been the single-most helpful item I have found for this situation. Combining original music and spoken word, this CD is filled with comfort and perspective that I have not found anywhere else. There is something amazing about music, in that its capacity for holding and expressing emotion cannot be limited. No matter the depth of the sorrow or the height of joy, music can express it unlike any other medium. And the words and music on this CD masterfully weave together the pain, questions, anger, guilt, and sorrow in a very honest way, yet give the listener comfort and hope that they will not only make it through the dark valley but emerge with blessing and joy on the other side.

If you have a friend who is a person of faith who goes through the loss of a loved one to suicide, I cannot think of a single thing you can do to be more helpful to that person in their difficult journey than to give them a copy of this CD.

Day 3 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

I am going to do one more post here concerning a book that I have read on the topic of dealing with the suicide of a loved one. There are many books and articles I have read, but this book and the book I mentioned two days ago are the ones I have found most helpful.

Both books offer very good and very helpful advice for those who have found themselves in the depths of this trial, but as a person whose faith is very important to me, I felt the one area the first book lacked was a bold and honest look at the difficult questions that come up for those who believe in a God that we say is good and loving when something tragic such as this happens. The first book is admittedly written to a very broad audience and does an admirable job of offering hope to both religious and secular alike. But because its stated audience is different, it very naturally is more delicate in its approach to religious topics.

Finding Your Way After the Suicide of Someone You Love by David Biebel and Suzanne Foster, on the other hand, is straightforward about the fact that it is written to an audience that holds to a faith in a God as generally defined by the teachings of the Bible. So, if that is not your background, this book may not be as palatable to you, though I think the tenderness and compassion with which the book was written would be appreciated by all.

But suicide does, for those who are people of faith, bring up some very difficult questions that cannot be answered by a pat on the back and some trite religious catchphrases. And, Biebel and Foster handle this in a real way, without glossing over the intense emotions and anger that can very naturally arise within the heart of someone who goes through this seemingly senseless devastation. Thus, I believe this book is essential first reading for a person in grief who is searching for how tragedy can co-exist with the belief in a God who loves those in pain.

Day 2 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

One of the difficulties someone who has lost a loved one to suicide faces is dealing with the feeling that nobody else really understands the pain that he or she is feeling. Well-meaning, loving people graciously try to offer comfort by saying, "I know what you're going through" or "It will get better; you just have to give it time." But for the person who is dealing with a suicide particularly, those words often provide little comfort, because as one psychologist put it, you are dealing with two tragedies simultaneously. You are dealing with the most intense, irreconcilable emotions; put into the unimaginable position where you are grieving for the very person who killed your loved one.

Fortunately, today there are more resources and avenues for help than ever before in history for those dealing with surviving a suicide. And one of the resources for which I have been grateful is the Survivors of Suicide website. Started by a person who had gone through this tragedy and wanted to help others in similar circumstances, it is a subscription-membership site (very reasonable price set only to help pay for the cost of running the site) that is limited to only those who have actually lost a loved one to suicide. It is filled with articles, advice, poems, and memorials that can offer comfort in dark moments.

But especially within that site, there are a host of wonderful people who will correspond with someone who is grieving and, from a perspective that cannot be shared except by someone who has survived the same ordeal, offer hope that the newly-bereaved person can make it through this difficult time. I found this site just a couple days after Alfred's death, and I went there often in the initial months following his death. I still go there on occasion to check in, and I have been glad to see that I have now been able to offer comfort and hope to others who are just entering into the process.

Again, as with the book I mentioned yesterday, this is a resource for which I hope nobody reading this ever has need personally. But, if suicide ever impacts someone you know, here is a wonderful, safe place to send the person for comfort and encouragement that they may not know where to find elsewhere.

Day 1 - National Suicide Awareness Week

*Note: I am going to try to do posts each day this week (no promises) with information that I hope will be helpful concerning the problem of suicide. If you have not already done so, please read my initial introductory post on the topic for my background and a way that you can participate in helping to address this awful problem that devastates so many lives.

Also, if anyone reading this has his or her own blog, I would be grateful if you might be willing to do a post sometime this week mentioning the week (feel free to link to my blog if you want). Most people don't think of suicide beyond the occasional publicized celebrity death, but when it happens to someone you love, you too would wish more was being done to help those who fall into such deep despair. A post this week can be a small step in helping with that cause.

I am far enough removed from the events of last October that I am able to look at things from a bit more balanced perspective than when I was in the throes of the pain and shock closer to the event. I am at the point where I tend to look back at the death of Alfred with just a contemplative sadness rather than the overwhelming uncontrollable sorrow I used to feel. And, I am learning that one of the greatest ways for me to move on and become a stronger person from the experience is to use the insight that I have been given to help others going through similar circumstances.

For in the initial days and weeks after losing someone to suicide, a person feels dazed and confused. Sometimes you burst into tears uncontrollably with no warning and regardless of where you are (as I did in such places as church or walking down Broadway near my home); other times you feel no emotion at all and just sorta sit and stare. But the overwhelming sense during that time is a feeling of being completely lost. Suicide is not generally talked about in "polite company," so those thrust into the experience find themselves without warning in uncharted territory, as if they woke up one morning like Michael Douglas in the movie The Game, buried alive in a tomb somewhere in Mexico but not knowing where you are. You feel as if you want to just stay in the tomb and not go out, because when you do, you don't speak the language of the experience to even know how to ask for help.

It was during that time that I was so grateful for another person, a bit further along in his experience after losing his mother to suicide, who recommended a book that truly became my road map to find my way out of the tomb and back to familiar ground. That book was No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine (a suicide survivor herself, having lost her husband). As I have continued to learn about suicide (first to help me and now in an effort to be able to help others), I have found that there is a large body of work addressing the topic of suicide (a search of Amazon.com's "Suicide" category brings up 2,103 results), so there are many more resources than I have been able to examine personally. But this book, speaking as one who read it barely a week past the suicide itself happening, is a superb, compassionate, hope-filled book that is very reasonable priced ($10.74 on Amazon), currently in print, and able to be found at the major bookstore chains (I have purchased copies at both Barnes & Nobles and Borders near my house).

Hopefully nobody who reads this will ever have need to read this book yourself, but it is very possible that sometime, someone you know and care for will be faced with this unimaginable situation. Those who have not gone through such a situation often feel awkward and don't know what to do or say. I hope later this week to offer some suggestions for helping a friend who is going through such pain, but here is one very simple way you could be a help in a very tangible and meaningful way and know that you are really making a difference for the person who is still trying to "learn the language" of their new experience.

National Suicide Awareness Week

Beginning tomorrow, May 4, and continuing through the 10th is National Suicide Awareness Week. This week has a newfound significance because on October 13, 2005, I faced the worst moment of my life, when I found my boyfriend Alfred hanging by a rope in the bedroom of his apartment. In a moment of despair after a long, brave struggle with depression, he became one of the over 30,000 people in America last year who committed suicide.

Needless to say, the past almost-7 months have been quite a journey for me. But, I have slowly moved from dwelling on the past to focusing on the future, and I have learned that difficult times in life bring unexpected gifts that can enrich us and make us stronger.

One of the gifts I have received is an understanding and awareness of suicide and the devastation it causes to everyone it touches. And along with this is a desire to help those who are facing the same deep pain that Alfred found to be overwhelming, to let them know there is hope and they are not alone.

One of the greatest organizations working toward the understanding and prevention of suicide as well as support for those who lose a loved one to such an unimaginable event is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I recently read their 2005 Annual Report and was amazed and impressed at the depth and breadth of their research and progress in addressing the problem of suicide.

So, it is with excitement and full support of the AFSP that I decided to participate in their annual fundraising drive, the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk. It is a 20-mile walk from dusk to dawn through the cities of Chicago and San Francisco this summer. I love the symbolism of the overnight walk, which goal is both to raise funds for the AFSP and to help fight the social stigma of discussing suicide (bringing it "out of the darkness"). I will be doing the Chicago walk on August 12-13.

I know there are many good organizations out there asking for support for many causes. But if you feel challenged to do so, I would be grateful for anyone who would like to help me with my own fundraising efforts. My personal goal is to raise at least $2,000. Click on the picture above or this link to visit my personal fundraising page. Also, the various links on this post point to much more helpful information about the need and the organization. Thanks!

Chicago Gay Bloggers

I noticed this list on Alan's Adventures blog and thought it was a great idea. He is compiling a list of gay bloggers in Chicago. I'm about to head out of the office, but I am looking forward to checking out those blogs soon. Plus, I'm grateful to Alan for giving me an excuse to put a gratuitously seductive and sexual picture on my blog, which will undoubtedly cause more people to read and comment on the post.

210..... 190... 180... 170... 167.... 166.....

A couple years ago, someone challenged me with the question, "Can you point to a time in your life where you completely kicked a bad habit or accomplished a major life change goal?" Now, I am the king of unfinished projects. I started a blog two times before this one and quit within a month each time. Just looking around me as I type this, I can think of a half dozen personal projects that I have stuff sitting here to work on but have not gotten around to.

Now, I think I am improving on this, but I still tend to set my sights higher than my time constraints allow. However, in January 2005, I determined that, if it killed me, I was going to accomplish one major goal and not quit until it was done. That goal was to reduce my weight from 215 pounds to 165 pounds. If there is one project I have started and quit more than any other, it is serious weight loss. But, because of a rash of diabetes diagnoses in my family and my dad's doctor's warning that he (who has almost exactly the same height and metabolism as I) needed to lose weight or would be at serious risk of heart disease, I gained a new-found determination to make the weight loss actually happen.

Losing 50 pounds, I found, is not the easiest task, and the process has taken me longer than I initially thought it would. However, for once in my life, I stuck with it. And now 17 months later, when weighing myself this morning, I weighed 166 pounds! Just one pound to go! It seems the last 5 pounds or so have been the most stubborn, so it is very exciting to find myself so close to my goal. And the process has taught me many lessons that I will hopefully be able to implement in other areas of life.

When I lose this last pound, maybe I will celebrate with a party at Old Country Buffet.