Retread: Hopeless Romantic

A Happy Valentine's Day to each of you. In honor of this holiday, I want to re-post links to the "Hopeless Romantic" series of posts that I wrote last year. I think Valentine's day has the potential to be a wonderful holiday, although cynicism and commercialism are constantly attempting to creep in. But I still see a world in which people fall in love and find passion in producing joy in the life of a partner. So, how is it that we identify the true romantics? Check these out for a starter's guide to romance:

• Hopeless Romantic, Part 1
• Hopeless Romantic, Part 2
• Hopeless Romantic, Part 3
  

No Big Surprise

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 5.19

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

50 Gay Questions

I guess the fact that we publish blogs and that we read them illustrates the exhibitionist and voyeuristic tendencies of our society, and few trends prove this more than the rise of these "50 Question" surveys and their ilk, which ask personal questions whose answers, instead of being confined to our private diaries, we get to share with total strangers around the world for time immemorial. I guarantee there is some Ph.D. candidate out there who has studied and quantified the compulsion behind this phenomenon, but not knowing the reasons myself, I just go with it and fill these surveys out like the lemming I am.

I stole this survey from the Chicagosexbox blog who in turn stole it from someone else. So, perpetuating the madness, here are my answers to the "50 Gay Questions" survey:

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay? My first crush was in fifth or sixth grade, but growing up in a (self-described) conservative Republican Fundamentalist Baptist home, I ended up being a late-bloomer and didn't admit it fully to myself until I was 27.
2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex? Nope, virgin to all sex until 27 years old (seriously...never even kissed) and no desire to try the girls either.
3. Who was the first person you came out to? My roommate Phil in Rockford (could not have asked for a better one....totally hot straight guy who is still one of the most accepting people I know....he used to walk around the house in just a towel and tease me by saying "I bet you wish I'd drop this towel, don't you, Mike?" Or he and his girlfriend would be making out on the couch and he would say to his girlfriend, "Mike is really jealous of you right now, honey."). If only the second, third, and fourth people I came out to had been as pleasant....
4. Are you out to your family? Yes (we have a very gay family, much to the older generation's chagrin).
5. Do you want children? Not yet, but perhaps eventually; it's not a driving desire.
6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? Gay.
7. Were you out in school? Nope.
8. Is your best friend the same sex as you? Yes.
9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them? No, he's straight.
10. Would you prefer to date a guy taller than you or shorter than you? Doesn't matter to me.
11. Have you ever been in a sling? No.
12. Have you ever done a 3-way? These questions are awfully personal.
13. Have you ever dressed in drag? Not yet.
14. Would you date a drag queen? Doubtful, but won't say never.
15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile? I'm easy to please.
16. Have you had sex with someone of a different ethnicity? Perhaps the question should be have I had sex with someone who was not of a different ethnicity? (the answer would still be yes either way, though...lol).
17. How many Cher CDs do you own? Everything's on my iPod, but of course, I do have the token Cher selections required to keep my gay membership card active.
18. Name of your first love? Heath Ledger.
19. Do you still talk to them? Not since the restraining order.
20. Does size matter? No more so than weight (in the same way that I would not be attracted if a guy looks like he is on Day 42 of Survivor or if he looks like Hurley on Lost...but most anywhere in between is fine).
21. Biggest turn on? Physical-A great smile and eyes that laugh; Personality-Kindness, honesty, and respect; Sexual - Good kisser, and versatility
22. Biggest turn off? Physical-Too much hair or smoker's breath; Personality-Meanness, dishonesty, and self-absorption; Sexual - Bad kisser
23. Ever been harassed due to your orientation? Not worth mentioning.
24. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you? I know nothing about sports, and I love dance music.
25. Ever been to a pride rally? Does the parade count? That's as much as I've done.
26. Would you marry if you could? No. But for reasons I haven't heard most anyone else articulate (seems I get people on both sides of the debate mad at me when I say my opinion...lol).
27. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? Rich and smart.
28. Do you sculpt your eyebrows? No.
29. Do you trim your body hair? Yes.
30. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Yes.
31. Ever been to an orgy? No.
32. Have you dated your best friend's ex? No, my best friend is straight, so that would require dating a girl.
33. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president? Nah. Though I think she's pretty cool.
34. Do you want monogamy in your relationships? Yes, or at the very least faithfulness to whatever commitment we make to each other.
35. Do you believe in true love? Absolutely. I'm a hopeless romantic. But true love is not an emotion solely. The love can be there even as the emotion ebbs and flows.
36. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, two.
37. Do you have any piercings? No.
38. Would you date a smoker? It has happened, but not preferred.
39. Do you get HIV tests every 6 months? Yes
40. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.? No.
41. Do you know what Stonewall was? No.
42. Strangest place you have had sex? Broom closet.
43. Strangest place you've woken up? Have only been that drunk once in my life and a friend was kind enough to take me home so just woke up in my own bed.
44. Are your best years behind or in front of you? I really am versatile, but I guess if I have to decide, my best years are when he's behind me.
45. Favorite porn movie? I get bored easily watching the same porn, so that changes about once a week.
46. Are you in love now? Not yet. But someday my prince will cum.
47. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl? Nope, I put that term "love" on too high a pedestal to say that is what I have felt for them.
48. Did you ever have sex with them? Nope.
49. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No, though I have been to a beach where a couple others didn't realize it was not a nude beach.
50. Have you ever been/stayed in a relationship for Money or Security, instead of Love and Friendship? No.

French Sex

Ok, so my recent condom post illustrated to me that, if I want to increase the readership of my blog, all I need to do is follow the Margaret Cho business model and talk as bluntly and as often as possible about sex. So, here is my most recent attempt to please the shallow masses (that's my affectionate term for you, my readers).

A while back, I spent two years living in Belgium and France, during which time I studied French both under a private tutor (no, not like that, she was old....ew) and at the Université de Mons-Hainaut. Since this education was rather formal, I discovered--after my time in Europe--that I had been deprived of learning some of the more "colorful" French terminology.

It has been rather chic (if I may show off my nifty French-speaking skills for a moment) in America of late to rip on the French. But there are several things that the French do well, particularly sexually. Of course, we all know and appreciate French kissing, and perhaps some of you less-conservative types get turned on by French lace. One of the first things on my list of French sex advantages would be that they have Karim Nadir, one of the most beautiful porn stars ever (see picture above and Jean Daniel Cadinot's Nomades, in which Nadir appears in most of the scenes).

But additionally, as I alluded to earlier, the French have an amazingly large array of terms that they use to refer to sexual activities. Having been rather conservative myself while I was living in Europe, I did not have much opportunity to use these terms, so I cannot vouch for which ones are used commonly or which ones would be taken as cheesy pick-up lines. So, use at your own risk. But, in the interest of advancing cross-cultural sexual liasons, here is a quick primer in la terminologie sexuelle francaise. My apologies in advance to any fluent French speaker, as I am certain there are numerous errors in my typing or grammar below:

• NECESSARY EQUIPMENT:
• Balcon - Literal translation is "balcony", but it is used also as a term for a female breast.
• Y'a du monde au balcon, literally translated "There are people on the balcony," is a colloquial expression for "She has large breasts."
• Doudounes, Nénés, Nichons, Roberts, Sein- More words for breasts
  
• Bloblos - Large, fat, drooping boobs
  
• Biroute, Bistouquette, Bitte, Braquemart, Chinois, Cigare, Pénis, Pine, Popaul, Quéquette, Queue, Service Trois Pièces, Sexe, Verge, Veuve, La Veuve et les deux Orphenlines, Vit, Zizi, Zob- Penis (do you think the French have a certain preoccupation with this anatomical part?)
  
• A couple notes....Chinois is the normal word for a person of Chinese ethnicity but is used in crass French slang for penis because the opening at the head of a penis is more like a slit than a hole (giving rise to the rather-rude slang phrase se polir le Chinois, meaning to masturbate, literally, "to polish the Chinaman").
• Cigare is the normal word for [yes, you guessed it], "cigar" (thus the slang fumer le cigare, meaning to give a blowjob, literally "to smoke the cigar")
• The term Veuve is the normal word for "widow" but sexually refers to a dick that has not seen any real action for so long that it has been reduced to wanking.
  
• Chauve à col roulé - Yet another term for "penis," but this one deserves special mention. It is specifically referring to an uncircumcised penis (as is common in France), and it is literally translated as "the bald one with a turtleneck."
  
• Chatte - Normal translation is the basic French word for "cat"; slang sexual use is very similar to how English speakers might use a form of the word "cat" in a sexual sense (for you gay guys who have never seen one, it's a term for vagina).
• Cramouille, Con, Cresson, Moule, Noune, Vulve - More terms for female genitalia, varying in appropriateness or vulgarity
  
• Couilles, Testicule - Balls
• Orpheline - Common term for "orphan," but also sexual slang for "testicles"
• Sometimes a guy's balls will be referred to as les deux orphelines, or "the two orphans."
  
• Cul, Oignon - Ass
• Some translations just don't make sense to the non-native speaker. I have no idea why, but oignon can be translated as either "ass" or "onion."
  
• THE PLAYERS:
• Boudin - Another word that is translated as two English words with no apparent connection. It can be translated either as "a slim woman" or as "blood sausage."
• Vache - Normal word translated "cow"; can also mean "a large-breasted woman"
  
• Cocotte, Demi-mondaine, femme publique, fille de joie, gourgandine, grue, morue, péripatéticienne, poule, professionnelle, prostituée, putain, pute - Prostitute; Whore
  
• Courtisane - Prostitute for rich people (as in Moulin Rouge)
• Maquereau - Pimp
  
• Folle - Effeminate gay man ("queen", used with grande folle, meaning "drag queen")
• Poilu - A stud; A real hunk (in gay-specific terminology, probably a hairy, moustached guy who attends IML)
  
• Homosexuel, gay, enculé, lope, pédale, pédé, serin, tante, tapette, trick - Gay man (pédé is likely the most common term)
• Pousse-crotte - Gay man; very blunt term, though as far as I can tell not considered particularly offensive; literally means "a push-shit"
  
• Homosexuelle, brouteuse (lit.-"a nibbler"), gouine, lesbienne, litter, gomorrhéene, tribade - Lesbian
• Ménage à trois - French phrase commonly used in English meaning "threesome"
  
• PREPARATION:
• Allumé - Slang term for "drunk"
• Faire la drague - Cruising (used only for gay men)
• Un champ de tir - Literally means "shooting gallery"; used to describe the bedroom of an "active" person
  
• FOREPLAY:
• Bécoter; Embrasser - To kiss (common noun form for "kiss" would be bisou)
  
• Bander - Common use: "to draw a bow taut to let the arrow fly"; Sexual use: "to have a hard-on"
  
• One of those idioms that just doesn't translate into English but is kinda funny is Je bande comme un tigre or "I have a hard-on like a tiger."
• And, of course, there is the helpful antonym debander meaning "to go limp," commonly used in conjunction with Y'a du monde au balcon (at least in my world...if you don't remember that phrase, it's mentioned in the very first definition of this list).
• Avoir la tringle - Another phrase meaning "to have a boner"
  
• Pipe, Turlute - blowjob
• Of similar etymology to pipe is faire pipi, meaning "to pee."
  
• Fumer le cigare - To give a blowjob (lit. - to smoke the cigar)
• Sucer - To suck
  
• Gode (or Godemichet) - Dildo
• Mouiller - Normal word meaning "to get wet"; sexually refers to pre-cum
  
• THE ACT ITSELF:
• Accouplement, Coït, Copulation, Tringler - Sexual intercourse (the more "formal" terms)
  
• Ça va ça-vient - One of my favorites, meaning sexual intercourse, but literally, "it goes, it comes"
• Niquer - Common verb equivalent in force and in use to the English "to fuck"
• Ramoner - To fuck (literally, "to sweep the chimney")
  
• Enculer - To perform anal sex
• This term is incorporated into the phrase, Va t'faire enculer chez les Grecs!, meaning, "Go get fucked up the ass by the Greeks!" As I am sure my Greek expert friend James could tell you, the ancient Greeks had a great appreciation for gay sex.
• Jouir - Normal French verb meaning "to rejoice"; In sexual slang - "to cum" (how romantic)
  
• Foutre - Gay slang word for shooting your cum on someone:
• Example 1 - "Donne-moi ton foutre!" (translated, "Cum on me!" )
  
• Example 2 - "Je veux lecher ton foutre!" (translated, "I want to swallow your cum!")
• Example 3 - "Merde! Tu as tire ton foutre sur mon oreiller!" (translated, "Shit! You shot your load on my pillow!")
  
• EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES:
• Auto-Gratification - Masturbation
• In addition to being the inspiration for this blog, the term was used by French religious leaders who felt the term "masturbation," which is the same in French and English, was too crass.
• Masturbation, Branlage (lit. - to shake), se Branler (lit. - to brandish one's sword), Branlette (lit. - a wank), se polir le Chinois (lit. - to polish the Chinaman), se palucher (lit. - to give oneself a handjob... paluche being a French word for "hand") - All terms for jerking off
  
• HELPFUL PHRASES:
• When you have had a few too many drinks and are bold enough to make a fool of yourself but not sober enough to come up with anything witty to say to the cute guy at the bar: "T'es trop sexy. On se connaît?" (translated, "You are really sexy. Do we know each other?")
• When you are the cute guy at the bar: "Tu t'es pas regardé!" (meaning, "Take a good look at yourself!")
• Alternatively, you could use "Va voir ailleurs si j'y suis!" (essentially, this means "Get the hell out of here"; literally, it means "Go somewhere else--see if I'm there!")
• Confirming with your poilu before he gets to your place: "N'oublie pas tes menottes" (translated, "Don't forget your handcuffs").
  
• When you wake up after sex and your partner has taken the whole blanket leaving you naked and exposed: "Putain, je me caille!" (translated, "Shit, I'm cold!")
• Sitting with your best friend at Caribou on Sunday afternoon describing the guy from the night before: "On s'est mis à poil..." (essentially, "We got naked"; literally, "We wore only our body hair") "...et nous avons niqué" (translated, "...and we fucked").
• And, if it was really good, you might say "Je me suis envoyé en l'air" (translated, "I went to heaven").
  
• During a fight with your lover who is causing drama again because you "take him for granted": "Que tu es emmerdant!" (translated, "You really piss me off!")
• Letting him down as easy as possible: "Soyons amis" (translated, "Let's just be friends").
  
• When you realize a couple days later that your trick gave you more than just a good time: "Fils de pute!" (translated, "Son of a bitch!")
• When you are drunk dialing all your ex-boyfriends: "Va te faire foutre!" (translated, "Fuck off!")
• When you really want to be offensive to a French person: "Nique ta mère!" (essentially, "Fuck you"; literally, "Fuck your mother")
• When you pull out and something doesn't smell quite right: "Qui a pète?" (translated, "Who farted?")
• An interesting idiomatic French phrase uses the same verb (péter, "to fart"): péter plus haut que son cul, which is literally translated as "to fart higher than one's asshole," but idiomatically means "to have an inflated opinion of oneself."
• Suddenly I'm glad my parents didn't name me Peter; seems languages just have it out for that name.
  

My gratitude goes to the following two excellent resources, from which I drew most of the information for this post:

• Orbis Latinus The Uncensored French Language
• Berlitz Hide This French Book
  

And this one is just right....

I'm sure nobody will believe this and I'll get teased for saying it, but the truth is that there is no significance behind my doing this blog post at this particular time, other than just a funny conversation I had with a friend that reminded me of this and a need to blog something since I've been slacking off on my posting this week. My personal sex life has been so tame lately that any condoms I have are probably expired. And I only jerk off bareback. In fact, I believe that I have gone so long without sex that I am technically a virgin again.

But, for those times in that long-distant past (and perhaps if I'm lucky, someday again in the future) when condoms were needed in my life, everything changed when I discovered the "They Fit" condoms.

How do I explain this without seeming to be completely lacking in taste or arrogant? Let's just say that my personal, um...equipment, is not extremely compatible with the typical "one-size-fits-all" condoms that are handed out along the parade route at Pride weekend. In the interest of saving this post from being entirely gratuitous, I will go no further in my description.

Until I was told of this company, I assumed that the store-bought condoms were just how sex was going to be for me. Functional, though constricting and slightly distracting (no, I'm not a runner-up for the Guinness Book of Records or anything, just perhaps a bit beyond the generic size). So, it was only out of humor and fun that I looked at this site. "They Fit" has created 55 custom-sized condoms for guys of all lengths and thicknesses. You simply print out the "Fit Kit" and measure for length and thickness. This will give you a size code with which you place your order.

On a whim a year ago, I tried this out. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. But wow, I did not expect the difference I found when they arrived! The condom was neither too tight nor too loose, too short nor too long. It fit securely, but wow, what an amazing difference it made in the sensitivity and sensations I felt! For me, who had gone my whole life frustrated with condoms because they were so tight that they almost cut off circulation, that drastically reduced the sensations of sex because of their tightness, and that ended up pinching me in places I didn't like, these condoms changed my life forever (now isn't that melodramatic). Perhaps it is coincidence, but when I mentally review my sex life, I have topped far more often since having these than before. And the quality is as good as any you would buy at the store. Again, I will attempt to avoid being too graphic, but if you think about it, it is logical that a custom-fit condom could only benefit an activity in which much of its success or failure is dependent upon physical sensation.

As an article in Men's Health magazine stated, "Once you have been custom-suited, an off-the-rack condom feels like punishment." Oh, by the way, I'm sure all my friends who read this are hung like horses, but if you have a friend who happens to be smaller than average, he would appreciate these, also. In the past (long, long ago in the days of my debauchery), I have been with a guy who was lightly-endowed, and he had the opposite problem than I; that is, rather than being too tight, store-bought condoms were too loose. This ruins the sensation as much as a too-tight condom, plus he had to constantly hold the base of the condom so it wouldn't slip off. Once again, these custom-fit condoms will help guys on both ends of the penis spectrum.

I can't believe I just did this post.

Pick-up Lines

"Well, since we're gonna be workin' together, I reckon it's time we start drinkin' together." - Jack Twist

First of all, am I losing my mind, or did anybody else notice that this pick-up line from the trailer of Brokeback Mountain is not actually in the movie?

But, in the spirit of tacky pick-up lines, here are some that I found which, depending on your desperation level, could be either entertaining or functional. Warning: Many of these are entirely tasteless, and are included here simply because of the bad influence of dirty-minded friends of mine.

"Excuse me. Can I flirt with you?"

"Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together?"

"Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants."

"Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?"

"Hi. You'll do."

"I think I could fall madly in bed with you."

"That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor."

"Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face."

"Excuse me, do you live around here often?"

"Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?"

"Hi, do you speak English? (yes.) Oh, me too."

"Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?"

"Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?"

"Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time." (reprinted by permission from James Haenes)

"Hi, wanna fuck? (No!) Mind lying down while I do?"

"I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!" (please note that initial field research has shown this line to be somewhat ineffective)

"Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway."

"Sex is a killer...want to die happy?"

"Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours."